OK, here goes, "I" am going to write about this.

You're suppose to be all blase and cool and keep things like this to yourself because it's "spiritually mature" and, besides, your silence itself will get a momentum burning away all your inner debris and restlessness and craziness and, sure enough, Enlightenment will happen.

I don't really care about Enlightenment happening, so babbling is gonna happen.

So you go through life and you have all sorts of incredible awakenings and insights and understandings.  Things hatch.  Things come clearer.  Things light that "AH-HA!" button and you get it. 

I, as in Kathy, first "woke up" into the Native American path in 1987.  But it wasn't "waking up".  It was like being guided into a path and realizing that you're a spiritual being.  And there have been at least six million experiences and revelations and awarenesses and mini-awakenings since then.  Until "I" stopped searching, stopped looking for Enlightenment, didn't care anymore.  It was either going to happen or not.  After twenty two years of searching, dreaming and meditating...just time to release it all.

But at the end of June the inner nudging voiceless voice insisted it's time to go mostly off line and go back to intense discipline and meditation.  So off I went in that direction.  Deep silence ensued.  But ordinariness, as well.  Silence and ordinariness.

And then I woke up on my birthday.  Except, guess what?  "I" didn't wake up.  "It" woke up.

What was "It"?  Nothing like anything that preceded it.  Because "It" wasn't Kathy.  "It" was awareness.  And it was awake and alive as...just like they always said...and "It" was that which has been present all along.

But "It" was realized.  "It" was.

So "It" witnessed the birthday celebration happening.  Now everything I say is suspect.  Because there's obviously no words that can describe what happens when "It" is realizing itself.  BUT  (ha ha) because I love words I'm gonna try, damn it. 
"It" was absorbed in everything passing.  Everything rising.  Fascinated with the color yellow, completely absorbed by it, and then the color purple (what, what?  what is that beauty?) and then the eyes turned and the color green met them.  And then laughing in delight because of the certain curve of a tree.  The angle of something--anything--can be more YES than anything we personalities determine is interesting.  EVERYTHING became equal, interesting, impressive.  A thought would rise and it would be interesting, but no more interesting than the curve of the tree.  Thoughts were no longer in control.  "It" controlled the show simply by Being.

It was so ordinary.  Ordinary beyond ordinary.  Yet extraordinary beyond extraordinary.  It was joyful, but not high.  It was peaceful, but soooo alive. 

It went on and on all day while ordinary conversations and sights and purchases (of a new laptop) happened.  And all during the night, it wouldn't sleep because it was so interested in everything that passed by.

Until the next day.  And guess who woke up the next day?  Kathy!   She was back.  Oh yes, the personality.  And the thoughts.  What agony!  Because each thought thinking it was back in control (and scared to death that it was losing control) burgeoned like some nightmare.  So that the practice returned:   watch the thoughts.  Meditate.  Watch the angry feelings.  Just return to to the practice.

A week or ten days passed.  Then, last Saturday, Awareness awoke on the way to Marquette.  Such an ordinary extraordinary day!  Drinking coffee, going to a Farmers Market, eating breakfast.  Awareness Was.  Awareness Moved.  Awareness Decided. 

The next day:  Kathy again.  But the thoughts a little less angry now.  But still compulsively grabbing for this and that, this and that, anything to help.  Anything to ease the horror of Ego that she was going to disappear (Heavens!)  I even went to the Casino on Sunday night, running as fast as possible from any awareness.

And guess what:  Awareness awoke in the Casino.  Awareness sat there in the middle of the blinking lights, fascinated by the look of the number "10" on the penny slot machine.  Fascinated by the beeping loud sounds, the flashing lights, the tie that man was wearing, the feel of the fingers.  Everything was equal.  It didn't care about winning anything or losing anything...because it WAS everything.  I walked out, stunned.

In the last couple of days, it's...well, I don't know what it is.  I wouldn't call myself "awake".  And I'm not sure if any human person ever awakens.  Awareness awakens.  But awareness isn't stabilized in me.  It isn't REALIZED fully as a minute-by-minute happening.  It's more like bursts and puffs of realization.  Realization as living-it, not realization as thinking-about-it.

"It" exists always. It was never born and will never end.  But our realization of it may be the challenge.

I guess the reason I want to write this to say...it's REAL.  What the sages and wise folks have gestured toward from the beginning of time.  And it's not simply a mental/emotional realization.  It is the absolute fact that "God" wakes up in us.  Spirit awakens. 

And you can't mistaken that awakeness.  Because "It" is.   OK, enough babbling.   Except I would like to thank Cheyenne (Attainment) so much for being present and available to process through what has/is happening.  She is an absolute delight!  Also Zennie (Ben) provided a huge nudge in early July which truly propelled me toward It.

Doesn't all this talk of "It" and "me" sound silly?  Something deep inside knows that "It" and "me" are one and the same.  How could they not be?  But the difference between realizing myself as Kathy and realizing myself as Awareness still seems bigger than...bigger than...well, bigger than the Mind can wrap itself around.

No clue what will happen today, if it will ever be realized again, if it won't...none of that seems to matter.  What matters is being Aware.  Intimately Aware.  The immediacy of it is breathtaking. 

Did you get that sentence?

Are you sure you are who you say you are?

(heavens, that's a tongue twister!  say it really fast, nine times.  I dare you.)

Are you consistent?

Do you watch yourself doing the same thing, sixteen times over?  Do you act consistently, regularly, following pre-conceived notions and expectations?  Or do you surprise yourself daily with the things you do?

I mean, I know we say we have preferences.  We like this.  We don't like that.  We travel down this rabbit hole, and, forget it, we don't travel down that one.  We like this friend, we don't like that one.

But can we be a surprise to ourselves?  Can we catch ourselves before we coagulate into a hard boundary?  Can we dare to express something which we aren't?

Can we do something unusual and different and unforseen today?  Can we leap into the unknown, losing the hard boundaries of who we think we are?  Can we leap into the abyss? 

Who are we beyond what we say we are?  Do we really want to find out? 

Who wants to leap with me?  Who is afraid with me, holding on to the cliff, terrified?  On the count of ten now,  let's run....

ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one....

LEAP!!!!!!

Completely new now. 

Completely free.

Don't let the next minute turn you back into what you were.  Let's remind each other, ok?

Alas.  I am feeling fickle again.

Must turn off the computer, turn off words....simply be.

No wait, I said that wrong.  Here is a better sentence:  must say yes to the silence, to where the feet lead, the crows calling outside the window, the cool breeze drifting through the window.

Words are simply giving me a headache these days!  (Which is a stunning statement in itself as words are more precious to me than...than...well mostly anything except this new awareness which seems to be coming to the surface after years and years of snoozing away like a bear in his hibernation den.)

Words are just confusing me right now.  I keep grasping them like straws, but every time you grab one the whole pile falls over. 

Without words, the Universe feels almost skin-less.  No separation between it all.  I want to live word-less for awhile.

OK, yeah, right.  Do you see why every sentence feels wrong?  This may be more accurate:  I want to live MORE word-less.  More naked.  Without the obstruction of the mind doing its job of labeling and judging and reconstructing the world into something that makes sense every two seconds.

So, off goes the computer again.  As much as possible, to embrace the nakedness of the moment.  So naked there's no skin.  Of course, I can't turn off the outdoor blog.  That's the year-long commitment.  But that is somehow easier to write because it's more like reporting what's happening (OK!  with a little story added in.  A lot of story, all right....)

I'm sorry I always have to tell everyone each time I turn off the computer for awhile.  Other people simply disappear and re-appear, re-appear and disappear.  I feel some sort of obligation to shout, "Hey, guys, I'm outta here!" 

Will check email and messages once a day, and may even respond if "It" comes forth in a spontaneous manner.  And, of course, for some reason, phone feels easier.  Who knows how long?  A day?  A week?  A month?  Forever?  (Good lord, the mind even wants to figure that one out!!)

Sending you all lots of love and silent communication, perhaps?  Wishing we could walk along the beach together and pick rocks and swim together in Lake Superior.  (Yeah, right...I am too chicken to swim in Lake Superior!)  By the way here's some pictures of yesterday's rock-picking with our very own Susie Q and her daughter and friend!

OK, waving goodbye for awhile.  Not another word!  OK, here's a smile instead...

The heart beats like the drum
as the earth shifts beneath its shell.

Death snuffs out
like breath blowing the candle silent.

Life reveals itself anew
in shadow and light
shining through the window
now
against the heart
splayed wide open

So full of it all you want to shout from the highest stupa
So empty of it all  no words sketch the bright
inner lake where
white rabbits nibble plaintain at the shore.

The leaves flutter magic in the wind
still green at summer's end.
Now one falls all red and yellow.

Hold your breath.
That's how short and long life is