This time we'll bring our ideas and beliefs

to a banquet table laden with white linen.

Your story arrives on pewter platter

And we'll listen to its growth pains, its fattening,

The way the sun strengthened it

And darkness pierced it.

We'll hear the harvest story without interrupting.

This time we won't gobble senselessly, mindlessly.

This time we'll peer into the delectable juices of 
succulent possibilities and feel nourishment in every cell,

Every organ, supple connective tissue.

And finally we'll pat our full bellies, sated with unique individuality

Of this precious story, this fattened pig or golden sheath.

This time, as the servant offers another plattered story,

We won't flinch, complaining of fat or empty calories,

Extolling the virtues of past diets or beliefs.

We'll eat again the sweetness, the bitterness, saltiness, sourness.

We'll chew the words deeply, listening for the unspoken and unplanted

As well as the creamy sauces.

We'll nod, "I remember, this too is true!"

We'll not compare past dishes.

The feast embraces many platters for many hungers.

We'll nourish the hunger of our table-mates.

And when shame or guilt bellies through us

From some belch or fart or elbows on the linen,

We won't chastise ourselves or our neighbors.

Our feasting hearts will crack open wide enough to allow

For all crumbs, all spilled drinks, all the drunken festivities

Of those who never imagined such grace.

We'll create art from leftovers.

We'll eat forgiveness for dessert.

We'll toast our tactlessness as we celebrate our tenderness,

We're either sated together, or not at all.

Oh at this feast how we'll reconcile!

How the sap flows as former enemies embrace in bear hugs across

The table and tears puddle in goblets of pure water.

"I was just trying to say-" one begins

And another ends, "But I was just trying to say-"

And a third captures the snapshot in digital symmetry,

A whole greater than its parts,

Ever reconciling the hologram of parts,

A whole refusing to exist without its precious parts.

The feast is not a feast

Until we're all gathered ‘round,

Every spice memorialized in song,

Until the vitamins in each story nourishes unborn generations.

Eye beholds it, Nose breathes it in,

Tongue caresses it,

Teeth gnash it to bits,

Throat invites it deeper,

Stomach transforms,

Excretion composts it to grow new seeds,

New ideas and beliefs,

Dreaming of tomorrow's feast of reconciliation,

Tomorrow's feast of love.

Here's just a weekend snapshot on a beautiful summer weekend along the shores of Lake Superior.

Yesterday my husband and I drove out along a rutted sandy winding road through tall pines to a favorite local beach.  Maybe twenty five friends and acquaintances were camping and hanging out along the primitive site overlooking the lake.  Many of them brought kayaks, the bright colored crafts pulled up on the sand along the shore.  One of our friends has traditionally brought a pig and slow-roasted it for a late afternoon potluck.  The rest of us add yummy casseroles, salads, desserts along card tables set up under the pines.  We don't eat the pork due to our vegetarianism, but others enjoyed the meat.  Appetizers and drinks also abounded.

It was a perfect afternoon.  The lake appeared glassy when we first arrive, but  a slight eastern wind kept the biting flies completely away.  Sometimes those flies can bite mercilessly.  We talked with old friends we hadn't seen in months; neither Barry or I could easily decide if we wanted to go, but once there everything flowed like magic. 

A campfire burned brightly stocked with fat logs and surrounded by lawn chairs when we finally said "goodbye" and drove towards home.  (In years past we camped out there for days....we partied and played beach volleyball in our youth.....followed by many years where our children swam and built sandcastles and finally built their own campfires down the beach in teenage years.....and now it's mostly back to adults, older now, less crazy, but still enjoying the long summer camping weekend.....)

Barry wanted to follow an old road that meandered past a tiny cemetery and marina, so we turned right in the dusky light.  I impulsively suggested we stop at the cemetery and visit the grave of a dear friend's husband.  She had put a bench next to a flower-planted grave with a tiny marker stating his name and life dates.  Overhead church organ wind chimes played soft music.  Only in this tiny cemetery could there be such freedom to create this beautiful tribute.  We sat quietly on the bench for awhile, remember this special one who had died in his fifties a couple years ago.

On we drove, through the marina, lit up with dozens of bonfires surrounded by folks drinking beer and wine and laughing.  You could hear the laughter through our open windows.  A special summer sound.  The crackle of the fires, the lights, the way your heart suddenly ached with some depth of nostalgia or joy or sadness, or something combined, a precious ache.

Today we head back out in the same direction, but this time we veer east towards the Yellow Dog Plains.  There's a "Protect the Earth Summit" way out in the middle of nowhere, at a place called "Eagle Rock".  Many of us have been trying to stop some dangerous metallic sulfide mining projects around the Great Lakes.  There will be speakers and a native drum circle.

Afterward we'll pick blueberries along the plains, hopefully enough to freeze.  Winter is long here; our summer season is accelerated and intense.  The garden is growing full-tilt, plants reaching eagerly for the sun, tomatos still green, peas harvested, beans vining and flowering. 

I feel life couldn't be more complete and precious.  So many stories and creations dancing within the summer weekend!

Today and always know you are precious, more precious than you can ever know.

You are as precious as the sun rising in the morning sky, as full and complete and beautiful and steadfast as that golden orb.  You trek as surely across the horizon, your fullness a shining glory surrounding everything and everyone you see and touch.

Don't let anyone tell you that you are incomplete.  Don't let parts of yourself whisper about incompleteness, about fatal flaws, about damaged goods.  Don't let moods and breezes of unworthy thoughts trap and define you. 

At the core, you shine.  At the core, there is nothing but the beauty of your essence traversing this day. 

All that we label "negative" is simply a projection of a deep fear that we are not perfect, precious, whole and gifted.  That taste of fear creates endless stories of separation and distance and painful emotions.  We believe whatever the external world projects back to us only if we first hold that kernel of shame, guilt, fear, distrust, dismay, envy....

Plant those kernels into the earth where the earth shall transform them and grow corn for future generations!

You will not be enlightened when you accomplish another goal, learn to think positive thoughts, overcome an addiction, eliminate all negative judgments, or whatever else the mind uses as an excuse.  You are here now, in your blazing glory!  Never forget that for an instant!

The fear and pain in the world is a result of the primary flaw, the flaw of not realizing what a precious gift you are to this universe.  So much suffering pours forth because  humans have forgotten, forgotten, forgotten.  And we create stories of lack and separation from this initial "sin", this initial "living without". 

Look deep inside yourself, past any stories you're claiming to limit your magnificence.  There is the pure emptiness of the centerless center is only space and the light of awareness.  It moves forth into the next moment.  In the next moment you can choose. 

Choose the knowing of your essential goodness, that goodness that exists before you do any action or say another word or feel any feeling.  Choose the power that exists coiled in that which is beyond everything.  Choose to claim all that you are in this Moment!  And if you can't do it in this moment, do not attach another story of fear and shame.  The next moment is coming!  And the next!   And the next......

Don't get me wrong.  Some of my best friends on-line and off-line call themselves Light Workers.  And they are usually shining beautiful beings that do radiate light, energy and sometimes bliss.  They are often individuals with positive focus, caring and expansive connection.  They lift the spirits of many and shift negative thoughts towards positive re-interpretation.

I once asked an off-line friend her definition of "Light Worker".  Paraphrasing from my faulty memory, her response went something like this:  "Our world is suffering so much right now. Look all around at the wars, the poverty, the negativity, the pain.  As Light Workers, we focus on the positive.  We shine light into the darkness.  We hold the beam of light that will help transform the world."

During my almost quarter-century of spiritual seeking, I attempted to follow the path of the Light Worker and Positive Thinker several times.  And it was really grand while it lasted.  Every negative thought was turned towards the positive.  Every sad, negative, jealous, angry moment was denied and re-directed towards light, love and bliss.  I decided to actively choose the positive, the light.  Down with the dark, the negative, the suffering!  We could create this new world just by shifting our negative thoughts into positive.  We could do it.  And the world would change, it would....

What usually happened was this:  two or three days into the intent to truly become a positive person (and once after three weeks of bubbling positivity to everyone around without ceasing) , I was suddenly besieged with nightmares.  Horrific nightmares.  Hour after hour of putrid suffering and despair would surface.  And then I would try to go back and change all of that to positive thinking:  "OK, Nazi soldier, you can rape me and I'll just send you love" or "OK, I didn't mean to stab that baby....it must have been a past-life karma thing....let's just send love and forgiveness to myself and the baby."

While there was something so appealing about transforming everything to the Positive and claiming the Light Worker sword of light......that's not how it was meant to play out in my life.  (Not to say that it won't work for you.  We are all on different journeys to re-awaken to the beautiful essence of ourselves, and your way may be that of the Light Worker.)

The journey itself had more to do with embracing both sides of the polarities:  negative and positive, light and dark, bliss and suffering.  This is where it gets tricky.  Because the mind often says we can't embrace darkness without being overcome by it.  Darkness can pull us in, sweep us under, drown us.  We've all been there is the throes of suffering, wondering how we can survive another moment of it. 

If you say to yourself:  this darkness is not true, I do not want it, I hate it, I want to escape this.....then there is a subtle contraction away from the "what is" of life.  Especially if you say "I hate this moment" and then think, "I am going to transform this awful situation and find the positive within it."  Do you feel the subtle (or overt?) contraction here?  You are contracting away from pain, refusing it, moving immediately into a positive interpretation that now is a re-action away from pain.  Yes, it's positive and yes it can transform....but at its root is a contraction.

What is another option?  Let's say you find yourself in the midst of pain and negativity.  May I suggest to stay there and actually allow it to increase slightly?  Experience it with full awareness.  Feel the darkness, the edges of it, the suffering.  (And I am not suggesting this is fun!  It hurts like hell.)  So there we are, feeling the pain, suffering, experiencing directly that negativity and darkness without turning away.  From this vantage point, begin to expand awareness.  Ask questions of the darkness.  Find out what thought preceded and helped to create this pain.  Explore and expand.  Learn everything you can about why you are experiencing this. 

In the darkness, ask questions, and listen for answers.  Ask yourself if the original thought that helped create the negativity is TRUE.  Is it real, or is it the mind just spinning one of its eternal spinnings?  This is where we often need to work, for years, for a lifetime, to truly learn that the thoughts and beliefs which give us so much power and definition....so many of them are not true, are based on false premises.  We need to begin to break down the definitions by which we've built our lives, built our cages, built our human bonds.

When we peer deeply into the darkness and see its innate falseness, its innate mind-built creations, its innate mistakes.........there is no turning towards Light.  Because Light IS the state that we are before we think a single thought.  When we truly look into darkness, all the bogey-men drop away.  When we penetrate deeply enough, there is nothing but Light....but it is not the light of negative/positive and not the light of light/dark.....it is the Light of Shining Awareness.  Some Buddhist texts call it "Clear Light".  It is the Light of Awareness that infuses and precedes and exists at the base and essence of everything. 

Now (tee hee!) I propose to completely shift around the title of this little essay.  We are ALL Light Workers.  Or, more accurately, we are all Light.  The work we need to do is internal, the clearing away of the false structures we've created that obscures it.  It is not the light that stands in opposition to darkness.  It is the clear light of awareness shining in the world, the essence of all being. 

P.S.  Rumi spoke about befriending darkness more eloquently than anyone I know.  Eric, Crouching Tiger, offered one of his poems in her blog a couple days ago.  http://crouchingtiger.gaia.com/blog/2008/8/search_the_darkness
It's called "Search the Darkness" and succinctly talks about the darkness in poignant truths like this one: 

Life's waters flow from darkness.
Search the darkness, don't run from it.

Emma thinks it's time that I write a new blog....but no thoughts are coming.  So this shall be one of those journaling exercises where you do free association and see what pops up from the fingers.

Hello!  Hello!   (the fingers are perhaps impatient with this exercise and prefer instead to be digging up onions in the garden.)  We have our last row of onions which have fallen over into the dirt.  That means they're ready for harvest.  About six of the onion stalks are still standing like soldiers, and they are growing some impressive bulbs in the soil, so those fellows shall be left growing.  The others will be washed thoroughly, drained in the colander, and put outside on the deck table on newspapers.  Later, as we sip tea or wine or whatever our late-afternoon beverage might be, we'll smell the sharp aroma of onions drying in the sun. 

The fingers also think we should go downstairs and do some heavy-duty cleaning on a sliding glass door which opens out from the basement.  So, after the onions are harvested and tended, I will pull the hose around the back of the house along with a bucket of soap and a rag and scrub brush, and will set to cleaning the whitewall around the edges and the grungy parts of the door.  All of this is in preparation for a new screen which has recently been constructed.  We kneeled on the floor earlier this week and pieced together a screen with special tools and sore knees.  We have been putting off this project for ten years.  It will be a joy to open the basement door and feel warm August air circulating through our walk-out basement.

The fingers would like to turn pages of a book or magazine, if time permits.  The third book in "The Number One Ladies Detective Agency" series is waiting impatiently over on the desk.  The Sun magazine....oh the delightful Sun magazine....hasn't been fully devoured since its arrival in late July.  And another one might be headed this way imminently!  So the Sun magazine needs attention.

There's a dinner in which the fingers must cooperate in creating.  They are going to stuff something with beans and grains.  We don't yet know the instrument which will be stuffed.  Will it be a pepper?  Zucchini?  Steamed collard leaves?  Cabbage?  Oh the possibilities are endless.

The fingers have more work to do, but that might be postponed until later in the weekend.  The fingers will probably also answer the phone when it rings, because there's often at least one or two special calls that enhance a lazy summer (why did the fingers write the word "fall"?  Heresy!!  Heresy....it is simply not fall yet....we must change that word back to summer....)  

The fingers are now thinking it's time to sign off and probably be forgotten as the rest of the body and mind gets caught up in the tasks or reading or phone calls.  Why do we forget our fingers?  The same reason....no, no, this is NOT a philosophical blog.   The mind is not in control of this one, anyway.  

Waving goodbye!  (fingers thanking wise Emma!)

OK, would anyone like to play a little game and talk about Life at the same time?

Let's find a drawing stick. If you're outside, it might be fairly easy to find a sturdy stick about three feet long. There's one under that tree over there. Now we need to find a patch of dirt or sand. Oh yes, do you see that bare ground over yonder?

Now let's take our stick and sketch a circle. You choose if the circle is big or small. Groove it deep into the dirt to make a solid impression in the earth. Let's have a little fun now and call the circle "Me". You have just drawn the circle of yourself. Now let's label some characteristics we define as "self".

You could just say these in your mind, or write them down in a notebook. (And if any of you have decided not to find the stick and dirt, you may choose to open the notebook in the first place, having determined that a circle can be sketched on paper as well as in the sand.) There are no mistakes in this game.

So label yourself and put those labels in the circle of "Me". You might want to list exterior characteristics first. I am female (or male). I am old (or young). I am tall (or short). I am black (or white). Now let's move on and list some social roles. I am a father (or mother). I am single (or married). I am an artist (or accountant). I am....are you getting the idea? Now start with personality characteristics. I am optimistic (pessimistic). I am positive (negative). I am a feeling (thinking) person. You can also add tendencies, beliefs, thoughts and other definitions to the circle.

How big is your circle? Have you been able to write really small and get that all recorded? No matter if you could only write in a few characteristics or beliefs, or if you only said them in your mind.

Now look outside the boundaries of that circle. Outside of the circle put everything that you said you aren't. I am not....and then state what you aren't. Now we have a better idea who exists within that Circle of "Me".

And an even better idea of Who You Are Not. Or who you say you are Not.

I have a proposition to insert here, although since it's a game, this may be a made-up proposition.  A proposition suggesting that part of the Meaning of Life involves first drawing a circle and claiming a Self in this big wide world. To fully and deeply and widely claim a Self, hopefully honoring all the individual parts that make up that Self. But by claiming that Self, we're so often also claiming a separation from everything outside that circle. So after that Self is fully claimed and recognized and acknowledged.....what's next? Perhaps erasing the boundaries of the circle?

So how do we erase the boundaries of the circle....how do we keep expanding a definition of Self that includes everything that we are not? Life is offering us an easy way to erase our boundaries. It's called the Material World. The Physical World. And everything that we say we're not is a breath away, waiting to introduce itself,  waiting for acknowledgment and allowing, waiting to be included in the "what is" of the Present Moment.

And we have these wonderful extensions called feelings that tell us when we're judging, dismissing, hating, despairing or negating things outside the circle of Me. The Material World will often project in ultra-large movie-like color the characteristics and attitudes and thoughts that we are denying. So we will have beings called People in the Material World who suddenly become larger than life and mirror back to us our deepest fears and rejections and ways we haven't allowed the Self to go beyond the boundaries of the circle.

Everything outside of the circle is really a larger definition of "Me", but it's usually a "Me" that one hasn't yet fully recognized as being part of the Self. And when we feel the prickly negativities arising....we can know exactly how we're pushing away a rejected or unacknowedged part.

So when someone says something that starts our defensiveness, anger or sadness in full gear (and I am talking to myself, as well, while creating the background Proposition of the circle game) .......it is really simply an aspect of "Me" that is demanding attention. Instead of lashing out at that seemingly opposite side.....there are many ways of reconcilling, aren't there?

If we can just creep past the lovely sentinel of the Ego who is trying fiercely to keep the boundaries in order until we're ready to erase that initial circle. Ego may never completely leave us because she has several delightful roles to fill. She's keeping the Circle of Me together so we can do this process as slowly and gently and lovingly as possible. We've seen what happens when people smash the boundaries of self before they're fully ready to integrate the Everything. That's why this spiritual "journey" often takes years and possible lifetimes.

Because, until we're ready, it's best to take one "not me" aspect outside of the circle and begin courting it, examining it, looking closely at it, microscoping it, expanding it, asking it out to dinner, dreaming of a possible union of two seemingly opposite people or ideas or thoughts.

Now let's put down our sticks or pencils and look at the lines we've drawn and the marks. Eventually the circle of Me will be gone in this physical world. We'll leave our limited bodies and return to dust or earth. The boundaries will be erased. We'll meet the larger Self that we've forgotten. They say we'll be filled with love, with the Knowing of our Oneness. It's just a matter of time: the boundaries will soon be erased.

Shall we assist with this process....expanding our love a bit further outwards than we ever before imagined? Shall we do it in this Moment? Because this is the only place and time to recognize both the initial circle we've arbitrarily drawn and the larger circle of "Me" that surrounds us before we create a single boundary.

Nicole mentioned the word "joy" today in a shout-out, and after wandering around a few blogs this morning, I plunged head-over-heels into a marvelous state of bliss.  There felt like huge waves of positive energy and love vibrating all around this beautiful site of Gaia.  It felt like something had shifted, something opened, something pulsating.

So off I headed to a town about an hour north of here to run some errands.  Oh how lovely to feel that blissed-out joy coming through.  The last time this happened was June, during a trip downstate.  It felt like when you have too much caffeine, only smoother.  But there was still the sensation that the heart was going to burst open, that a human being couldn't know this much love and live to tell about it.

I had to buy a few items in Walmart, which sometimes can create a tentative feeling about shopping in this particular store.  But not today!  I walked down the aisles and looked at all the faces passing by and every one seemed to be precious beyond words.  Oh such stories they each told by the shape of their bodies, the lines on their face, their smiles or frowns.  When they smiled, my heart smiled back.  When they frowned, my heart expanded to feel the pain of their stories and lives.  But it didn't really hurt.  It just felt like so much love flowing through.  Like:  what amazing human beings.  Here in Walmart.  How could life get any better than this?

I bought a couple pair of shorts for my husband, and the clerk over-charged for the items.  Instead of being annoyed the only reaction that came through was, "oh cool, now I get to go to the service counter!"  (now wouldn't this kind of make someone in an ordinary mood just want to gag?  :) ) 

Somewhere along the line came the thought:  Should one be feeling so much bliss when people are suffering and in pain and struggling?  Isn't it almost obscene to feel so much happiness when there is also so much despair everywhere?  But the happiness wasn't just happiness.  It was just a love that had expanded larger than anything.  It was the size of Walmart.  It was as if the heart had expanded ten times:  sort of like the Grinch at Christmastime.  Only the heart wasn't mine.  Or it was mine and everyone else's heart, as well.

So I get home about an hour ago, still pulsating.  Waves and waves of bliss were still  expanding.  My daughter sends a chat:  she's not feeling particularly happy.  I say, "You want some of this?  I am ECSTATIC!"  She says, "ummm, sure...." and I start beaming the energy her way and suddenly she's going,  "oh my god.....i can FEEL it.....oh...." or some such words.  So then I think of one of her office mates and ask if she would like some, too.  So she asks her, and she asks for some, too.  So now my daughter and I beam it forward into her co-worker, and pretty soon her co-worker is going, "oh my god....I can FEEL it...."

And all this came  about because Nicole typed the word "JOY" and Gaia was expanding with love into the universe today.....

So now I'm going to sign off and keep sending some of this ecstasy to any of you that may be struggling or hurting right now.  And one of these days you'll be sending it back to me.  Blessings all,  from a Bliss Bunny!

Do I have a "character" out of which to behave?

One of the greatest things about expanding the definition of the self is that you never know who you are anymore.  You never know what part of the larger world is coming into awareness, and how you'll respond.  I was a really definitive "self" for fifty years.  Now, who am I?  Whatever is in awareness at the moment. 

So who would be this character that would be acting?  If there's not a limited self behaving, it's probably human preferences expressing themselves.  So when have I acted outside of my preferences? 

OK, here's a story from last weekend.  My husband and I were sitting on the deck in the late afternoon before dinner drinking our favorite beverages and chatting.  We each have preferences for our favorite chairs, our favorite drinks, our favorite ways of relating.  He suddenly decided he wanted to stretch out on my lawn chair.  This was the signal that we were about to switch roles!

So....smiling in delight.....I took his chair, grabbed the margarita he was drinking, and lit a cigarette and smoked it very slowly, inhaling.  (you have to understand, I do not smoke and do not even necessarily like the fact that he does.)  And then began to talk about sex (you have to understand....he's the one that usually brings up that particular subject).  His mouth dropped open.  He just stared.  In fact not one single word came out of his mouth for at least a half minute before he said,  "hey, watch it, those things are addictive!"

It felt like, for those five minutes, I was the character of my husband.  Memories of Kathy receded.  Except maybe delight with this new opportunity to experience a new awareness.  And then the character of Kathy began to re-emerge, with her preferences and desires and awarenesses.  And I was equally delighted to see her again, to be back with this familiar awareness. 

I only included this little example because it was such an extreme example of shifting the "assemblage point", to coin Don Juan's terminology from the Carlos Castaneda books.  In reality, maybe the truer answer might be:  this very moment.

Answer:  The internet not working.  Trying to write an answer to this question and not being able to get back in Gaia.  Writing another complete response to this question and having to trash it. 

Oh I suppose you're wanting to hear the story behind this answer!  About an hour ago a new topic flashed in my mind for a blog:  The little things are what count.  Something like that.  So I turned on Gaia and looked at Siona's question for the day.  Ah ha!  A perfect match.  I would write a blog about how the "little things" in life bring joy.  Happy, happy.  Another synchronistic moment.

So out came the blog.  Marveling about the taste of coffee, the keyboard, the computer screen, the body of Gaia, all the people here, phone calls, the garden harvest, the hummingbirds.  How the little things are more important than what the mind things we need to do in order to be happy.  It thinks we need the perfect mate, house, career, job, education, health, enlightenment.

Now came the time to post the blog to Gaia.  However, the internet was no longer working.  The feeling of irritation began to blossom..."what the hell?"....."errrrrrrrr......" I tried in ten different ways to get things operative again.  Nothing. 

When, suddenly, inexplicably, came the Joy.  The universe was in charge!  Who was Kathy thinking she needed to write that particular blog to be happy?  Who was Kathy thinking she even needed to sign in to Gaia to be joyful?  The Universe knows a lot more than my mind thinks it does.  In an instant, I was back to experiencing joy.  In not getting what I wanted.  Because my deepest desire these days is to want what the Universe wants.  It's always just remembering that this surrender is the deepest desire.

I went into the kitchen and began doing something else.  When the Universe began writing another blog about Joy in my head.  This particular blog, mind you, unless the Universe deletes it, as well.  When the energy was now a'buzzing in this new manner, I turned the computer back on and.....new joy!.....here is the internet and beloved Gaia!

That's what is bringing me joy in this moment.

How can someone claim they're not a "self", anyway?  What kind of sentence is that anyway?  "I am not a self".  

Isn't that sentence a contradiction just by itself?  There's obviously an "I" who is expressing it.   

Here's some reactions that may come up:  How arrogant!  Of course that person is a self.  She/he is writing those words.  Who do they think they are anyway?  How strange.  I wish I didn't have a self.  Maybe someday I won't have a self, too.  There's something wrong with me....if I just had another realization, I wouldn't be a self either.  Who wants to think about this....just live your life.  Thinking about not having a self means you have a self.    

And there's a hundred other reactions which may come from the umbrella of a "self" who is responding to that initial statement.  

So who is this mysterious being that we're referring to when writing the sentence:  "I am not a self."  Bear with me.  First one must return to what it feels like to be a solid self.  Before one looks very closely at the phenomenon of self, one gets an impression that one has a body which has a distinct personality, an established pattern of thoughts, boundaries and limits which define.  Since birth one has been calling that self a name.  In my case the name was "Kathy".  In your case, your parents looked at your body and called you by a name that took all the distinct characteristics that were coming forth from your body and summarized them into a name.  Which is fine.  But somewhere along the line, the conscious mind attempts to summarize the magnificence of You into a small box, a small caged set of variables.   

If you decide to take up a spiritual practice at some point in your life, often a primary result is that you suddenly begin to glimpse that you are more than the previous label or name.  In fact, if you're looking very very closely, something even stranger happens.  Let's say you're meditating and watching thoughts arise.  A thought arises, then disappears.  An emotion arises, then disappears.  Let's say you've meditated for an hour (or twenty years or a lifetime) when suddenly a realization strikes.....you are not solely anything which is arising.  You are the awareness that watches the arising and the arising itself.  

Now those are just words.  But what if you keep looking closer?  What if you see that there are just patterns which are arising out of awareness, and those patterns are what you previously called "self"?  What if your identification switches from the arising of the pattern to the awareness itself?  What if your awareness expands so that every arising is now self.....which it was all along....but previously you were only aware of the certain patterns, claiming them to be "self".  

So a pattern arises.  An energy comes through.  And that energy claims the word "I" and says something ridiculous or wise like "I am not a self."  What is the difference here?  Someone who has been meditating, or surrendered to prayer, or watching very very closely, or clearing their energy (whatever words you choose) watches the "I" arising, but does not necessarily identify with it.  Or he/she identifies with it as a momentary passing.  Someone is claiming to be an "I", how interesting!  And in the next moment another energy or thought comes through and claims something like "I am feeling sad" and the witness of awareness (or awareness itself) feels a momentary awareness with that emotion.....but it is not the emotion.  Awareness is simply awareness aware of itself.   

If you look inside for a self you will not find one.  I dare you!  Look deeply around for the person you claim you are.  If you keep looking you will only find emptiness.  There is emptiness with energies spiraling out of it.  Furthermore, if you look around, you will not see separate selves (known as other people) surrounding you.  There are only energies dancing about.  

Expanding outwards from this place of no-self, you might suddenly claim with perfect conviction:  I am all selves!  I am everything!  That looks like a big contradiction, as well. Because the limited "I" can't be everything, can it?  But, strangely enough, from one awareness, it's true.  We are all One.  This is a life-shattering statement, and one that even the most realized person keeps expanding daily.   

What happens when a limited "I" expands consciousness before these realizations settle in the body?  Much of what we call mental illness is simply an energetic opening into the "All" before the energy pattern realizes Oneness.  Until one has realized Oneness, it is possible to open into the field of awareness and not know how to handle the energies pouring forth.  Some of the structures of meditation and awareness and prayer actually teach us how to ground ourselves very thoroughly into the energies of witnessing, surrender and intent before leaping beyond the bounds of the more limited definition of self.  Another seeming contradiction is that it takes complete detached sobriety and grounding before one can surrender into the emptiness/fullness of everything.  

Another thing about stating "I am not a self".  This is not a moral statement, indicating that one is better or worse than another person.  A saint is simply another energy pattern.  When you claim no-self, you're no better or worse than another person.  In fact you are the other person, as well as the next person, as well as the next person.  Or, more accurate perhaps:   you have the capability of witnessing and flowing with that other person's energy pattern.  Or you have the capability of shape-shifting:  being a blade of grass, being the mountain, being a deer bounding into the woods.   

So next time you hear the statement "I am not a self"....what will you hear?  You will perhaps hear an energy claiming that it is not bound to a hard definition.  It is not something which can be microscoped.  It is an emptiness through which something is flowing, using the word "I".  And in the next moment, another energy flows through.  The second energy might even be a familiar pattern or personality characteristic.  It might say, "I am so a me!  What the hell is that other energy talking about anyway?  I am a ME.  You shut up and go away because I have more things to do today!"   

And awareness keeps watching the interplay of energies, witnessing the arising and falling, without ever claiming an identity from the play of Life.    

All of my beloved family members live far away, at least in the physical dimension.  My mom and dad and brothers and their families all live over 500 miles away in lower Michigan.  If you take your left hand and hold it up with the palm down and look at it.....they live in the part of Michigan known as "The Thumb."  Where my husband and I  live isn't even on your left hand.  If you take your other hand and turn it so it's facing you and the little finger is on top of your left middle finger (got that?) then we're living somewhere to the far left, near that other thumb.  Sorry if this visual is challenging.

Honoring Mr. Fast Dart, I shall provide a hyperlink here that may assist in correcting any and all wrong impressions concerning the state of Michigan.

The two grown children have flown to both sides of this United States, settling on opposite coasts.  That is no longer technically true, as of this week, but I will explain that very soon.  Christopher lives in San Diego, where he's going to grad school.  Our daughter lives, or lived, ouside of Washington DC until now.  She is returning home (as of this evening, unless she gets waylaid by friends in a town 90 minutes from here where she once went to college) and will fly to Belgium in mid-September to volunteer on an organic farm for two months.  We suspect she'll return to the East Coast afterwards, as she's hankering after New York City.  You may wonder why children who grew up in the middle of the woods have chosen big cities as their new homes.  I think they're living in big cities to give me interesting places to visit.  (I'm sure that's the reason.....)

My beloved in-laws live in Athens, Georgia, where we will be visiting next month.  And my mom and dad fly from their home in the Thumb to winter at Fort Myers Beach annually.  That makes for some fun vacations!

Then there's friends from one end of this beautiful globe to the other.  That's been part of the beauty of this Gaia-world.  You can know people from Kathmandu to Australia to Barbados to Ireland to India to England to Switzerland and many other places in between. 
Having written about all these physical locations, I really feel that each and every one of these people are so near.  It feels, in another sense, like we are together, that we can never be apart.  We can pick up the phone or email or chat in an instant.  But even beyond that, their spirit is ever-present, closer than the next breath, never really even separate.

But I love the times when we can physically meet, and thank God for technology that bridges any imagined gaps between friends and family!  And thank the Universe for Gaia which has enriched the lives of so many of us....

Have you ever met an enlightened person?  

I haven't.  

I have read lots of books about people who seemed like they might be enlightened.  And have heard stories of gurus and other individuals who seem to be enlightened.  But I have never met one.  

There are lots of people who seem to have some basic understandings of things like Oneness, no self, compassion, wisdom, love, awareness, the Nagual, Buddha, Jesus, emptiness, the Tao, surrender, essence, Being and freedom.   

There are lots people who seem to have learned such major truths as the planet circles around the sun.  Almost everyone I have met has some wisdom to share.  My daughter said today,  "If you are ever feeling sad, look at the sky.  The sky always changes.  It is never the same.  It is always beautiful."  To me, that is an amazing revelation coming forth.  I was so honored to hear those words.  She has realized something.   

Like my daughter, every person I have met on Gaia has had some realizations to share.  Some of those realizations have made me cry....some have caused laughter.....some have propelled deep thought....some have even assisted a deeper understanding of some awareness.   Yet do these realizations really have anything to do with enlightenment?

A person can talk and talk about an experience of Oneness or Being or freedom, but does that mean they are enlightened?  Does that mean that they have something the rest of us don't have?   

I am suspicious of the word "enlightenment".  I am suspicious that it even exists.  I am suspicious that, even if it does exist, there would be a word which could be wrapped around such a concept.  If anyone says, "I am enlightened"....what would that mean?  If someone else says, "I am not enlightened"....what would that mean?  Is there any way a person can be both enlightened and unenlightened simultaneously?   

I am also dismayed that the very concept of "enlightenment" can be used to separate, to shame, to judge, to compare.  People will point fingers and claim someone thinks they're enlightened when they're obviously not, or others of us will dissect the concept endlessly until it sounds like just empty words, incapable to grasp or easily understand.  We'll look at others and judge, "oh that person is not enlightened" or "that person thinks he's enlightened, but obviously he isn't" or "why can't I be enlightened?" 

One of the continued joys in my life has been the ceasing of seeking enlightenment.  (Some of you may recall this blog from a few months ago.)  It is such a relief.  Just to be, to express, to learn, to share, to gain new awarenesses every day!  Oh the relief.  Every day some new realization.   And that's enough.  More than enough.   

Every day someone here on Gaia teaches me more just by their essence, their being.  We are surrounded by wise human beings who also may experience what they perceive to be as flaws and challenges.  We are also surrounded by frail human beings who choose to experience what it means to be separate, to feel so-called "negative" emotions, who lash out and hurt, who suffer.  These beings teach, as well.  And I suspect that we're both; the wise ones and the frail ones, somehow combined, somehow utilizing these trips around the sun to expand our awareness. 

It's not just people who can teach us about this strange concept of enlightenment. The earth also teaches, as do the rocks, the feathers, the dreams, the trees, the deer, the grass under our feet.  

As each of us continue to grow and realize who we really are, maybe one of us will suddenly realize what enlightenment is.  And share it with the rest of us. Or maybe they won't.  Maybe part of the realization will be that it can't be shared without losing it.   So the first time someone opens his or her mouth to begin explaining enlightenment.....whatever is coming forth is not enlightenment.  Therefore, we may never know if we've ever met an enlightened human being, because they're not going to be talking about it.