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byron katie
June 2009 
Navigating through Emotional Storms
Centria
I've been experiencing sadness now. In fact it feels real heavy even to communicate, comment or create. Which is OK. All the emotions are fine by me, even in their challenging phases. There can be tears or anger or depression, but there is also a sense of a Witness simply being there, being present, watching with interest what develops next.
Just wanted to try and share from the midst of this little rainstorm the ways I "maneuver the boat" through turbulent waters. Just in case any of you are ever drenched, or going through rapids, or have lost your paddle. I think it helps to share both the common experience of feeling the more "negative" emotions, as well as our techniques to keep afloat.
So we have something that seemingly disturbs our equilibrium or balance or good mood. It can be something someone else said, something our internal voice said, the state of world affairs, the baby spilling milk, someone dying, just about anything. Any of those happenings are just what is, what is happening. On top of the happening we then add our story.
Our story can be a pleasant interpretation of reality, or a pissed off interpretation, or a judgmental interpretation. It can be anything. As many people have commented, our stories are what co-create our realities. One person can interpret the exact identical happening as positive and beautiful; the next person can interpret it as negative, sad and despairing.
No matter. Seriously. If we interpret the story in a positive expansive way, good. If we interpret the story in a negative and sad way....then there's other lessons to learn, other ways of being present with the whole of Life.
Everyone's inner emotional life may be so different; I won't try to examine all of the differences here. What about possible responses? When the emotion strikes me, it first seems important to just be present with it. Not to push it away. Not to immediately turn to the "light" of some positive response. After years of responding in this way of quickly turning towards love & light, it has become more valuable for me to just be present with whatever arises. Initially.
Of course, that's the hardest thing. Because you have to feel sometimes gut-wrenching feelings that sometimes threaten to overcome. It's hard to sit with a wave of sadness, anger or despair without feeling like you're in front of a firing squad. It takes some resolve, some courage, to just sit and let the feelings hurricane through you. (that's the way they can sometimes feel; sometimes they feel like tiny waves lapping against the shore.) So you sit and watch and feel. And perhaps even name, identify. "ahhh, sadness, my old friend....we meet again."
Watching, witnessing the emotion provides a space before the tangled story lines begin. And oh how tangled our story lines can be! So we watch our story line with its judgments and negativity arise. Quite often the story line appeared first, but we didn't catch it because the overwhelming intensity of the emotion obliterated it for awhile. Actually, I think the storyline appears first in 80-90% of all these interpretations. But because of the strength of the emotion, we tend to think that the emotion was the primary uprising.
So now we're witnessing the story that most probably gave rise to the emotion. Let's not move too quickly here. Stay with the story and our interpretation. "So and so is wrong and I am right...." "how could they say that, they are so stupid" "I am the most awful person on the planet...." Now what's important in the pausing and witnessing of the storyline is seeing that we're creating. See the connection between the storyline and the feeling.
Pause; ask yourself if it's true. Ask yourself if there's another possible interpretation, another possible storyline that might be equally as true. Now state that other storyline. See if you can feel that secondary explanation, truly feel it. Now try for a third or fourth interpretation. Don't just let this be a mental exercise; feel in your very essence that there's another way of looking at this.
At first, our initial reaction usually is, "of course I'm right!" because that's just the way the ego thinks. But play devil's advocate. Play with imagination. Pretend there might be another explanation. Pretend there's another possibility.
At this point, if you're "doing the work", you begin to get a glimmer beyond the initial story. Usually only a glimmer. But you begin to actually see that your interpretation might not be the whole and only truth. In fact it might even be a patterned learned response. It might be completely off base. It might be....and the story starts to loosen its iron grip.
As the interpretation begins to loosen its tight-fisted emotional hold, sometimes it all falls apart instantly. The emotional response can dissolve in five minutes. Gone, gone, completely gone. With long-believed interpretations, this process sometimes needs repeating six, twenty, one hundred times. Until the energy is cleared and someone or something can "push your buttons" and, suddenly, surprise!, there is no remaining emotional charge.
In my current sadness, I am in the process of patiently re-listening to the original story arise (maybe for the tenth time) and listening to it politely and gently, and then expanding upon it. And my expansion at this point is not verbal. It's more a feeling expansion. It's all mostly fallen apart. Not completely yet. It was an old very subtle energetic response pattern that I didn't even know fully existed!
So there's a difference between feeling an emotional feeling and immediately embracing the positive without doing the work of clearing what created the response in the beginning.....and feeling the response, honoring it as valid, and then doing the deepening of discovering what lies beneath it. Sometimes we can get stuck in just feeling the feelings, without diving in deeper. And if anyone wants to stay at that level of sadness or suffering....don't go any further into the process. Sometimes we avoid it because we think the feelings in and of themselves are all that's important or sometimes we do it all too quickly. And sometimes we're just lost and don't know what to do.
Something else: a dear friend suffered from depression this winter. She was not able to jump-start the neurochemicals in her brain using these techniques. Sometimes techniques such as these are not enough; in her case medication combined with techniques have proven to be extremely valuable.
Just wanted to share this process, which seems to work for me. A lot of this must be attributed to Bryon Katie; her books highlight a four-step process which is similar. I had been using similar energetic techniques for clearing energetic debris for years, but she puts it in a pretty concise and clear way. Thanks for listening.
Access: Public
Very good, informative post.
Of course, I want to say “I'm sorry to hear you're feeling sad,” BUT that might not really be the right thing. It's so natural to feel sad sometimes and I am glad you're choosing to feel it and let it be, rather than bury it or try and force it to be gone instantly.
There's a relation between this and cognitive-behavioral therapy, which is a technique used to deal with OCD. When you have a recurring, upsetting thought, you want to get rid of it as fast as possible! You want to ignore it! But you end up giving it more power over you that way. CBT teaches you to let the thought be there and to experience the discomfort, fear, etc. associated with the thought. It's very, very uncomfortable, but it teaches you that these “bad” feelings will NOT kill you. You can deal with them. Keeping these thoughts and feelings in the shadows makes them much more threatening than they need to be.
I think there's definitely a relation between all this stuff. We spend so much time trying to escape ourselves – in so many ways. I'm about to go off on more of a tagent, so I'll wrap this us.
Thanks for sharing all this with us.
Editing to add something else: I'm glad that you mentioned your friend who needed to try another route last winter. It is absolutely the case that sometimes people are not at the point where they can sit with what they feel. Medication and other 'outside' assistance is sometimes needed to build the groundwork. I'm concurring with you just because I feel this needs to be re-affirmed.
Thank you! =)
It's official! I'm giving up being right. I'll be loving instead and offer a gentle hug to you.
Please remind me in the future if I forget my official announcement.
This pertains to me ever thinking I can offer you advice, Kathy; you're magnificent, you've got tools, and you know how to use them.
Emma, I do think I need to hear “I'm sorry you're feeling sad.” Just because we know the process doesn't mean it can't hurt….really bad sometimes. It doesn't hurt any less. It just means we probably won't be drowning. And it means the emotion might be gone in five minutes, but it still might be hurting a few days later, depending on the whole process.
Interesting that CBT teaches the same thing. You have so much to teach us, as well, with everything you've learned. P.S. you could go off on a tangent if you want. :) I don't mind. About the drug thingee: it is a really good point to keep re-iterating. My friend was in the throes of suicidal depression, and it was painful to watch. I advised her to go back on medication, because she was so near the edge….. She was very surprised that I would advise that (knowing I prefer other approaches first) but listened. Now she is doing really well and we're all thankful.
Paul, I love your gentle hugs! Please keep 'em coming….. and any advice you want to share, as well. Like I said, just cuz we have the tools doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less….and that's what friends are for, right? P.S. I'm here too (and will try to remember this when other people are hurting, as well.)
Thank you much for sharing this. It seems in the last 3 days I have seen more people here posting this sort of thing or sharing what looks like the experience of tripping. I've got good tools and normally I can get to ground and simply watch what's going on around me. I feel I failed at that yesterday. And I beat the crap outta myself for having feelings and emotions, because I thought I had 'overcome' what has me have them. I suppose though, that's hating a part of me. I'm passionate. I fly off of the handle to many extremes. Normally I know why. Yesterday, I did not. I felt vulnerable and then wanted to go to feeling powerless and helpless. Blah!! It was difficult to recall that the same ground and the same Earth was right beneath my feet. That I had only to feel for it. And, since I was already in a bit of a spin, I decided to keep on with it. I learned some things. I expressed some other things. I am quite sure I am not done with them yet :) And today is a lighter day. The weather is cooler and less humid. Bright blue skies with passing clouds and passing showers that come in the sun and sparkle. Wow, I think I needed a place to share some more! :)
offers one of my fav rocks for you to hold and borrow
elisa
Oh Elisa, let's sit and hold rocks together and maybe a cry a little bit…. Yeah, I was just wondering how much of my sadness is personal and how much is “tripping” or the group energy of what's going on around here. I have seen other people feeling sad or emotional or stressed out on Gaia, but unfortunately have very few words to add to add to their blogs, cuz it all feels so heavy. so I've just been giving seeds to people.
what's been a little odd about this sadness is its duration. Usually things move really fast through me. Sadness or anger or whatever….then it's gone. This is staying around a real long time. that's when I started wondering if it wasn't entirely personal, because I've worked through the story….but the sadness remains.
So glad you learned things, expressed other things and are still moving through it all. ((((big hug))))
lol i thought to tell you to chew up some blackberry and then we could spit and paint each other's faces too!! lol
Hugs to you for another of your magnificent posts. Quite often when I sit in quiet meditation, I am aware of those story lines running in the background.
Centria, you have soooo much wisdom. Thank you for taking what has been a difficult time and using it to offer us assistance as well. I love this post.
Hey, Centria. It's me–one of the emotional/stressed out people here… :)
I've been dealing with the condo search/decision/process for a couple months, and it's actually ruined much of my summer. It's been a rollercoaster ride that's made me a bit anxious. And while it's is logical considering the fact that buying/moving are stressful, that doesn't make it any easier or better.
I know what you mean re: the tripping or group energy; it's been intense lately. I'm sort of empathic, too, and pick up on the energy here. Maybe it's like the opposite of a “contact high” and is, instead, a “contact low” or something to that effect.
Anyway…thanks for sharing this. It made me feel better in terms of my current struggles and I think it's useful to everyone for different reasons.
i've been very sad, crying a lot yesterday and again today. i realised yesterday i tried to move on too quickly from a close friendship and now i am grieving it properly. it is cathartic and i feel better, really better tonight, though it has been a very difficult day in many other ways too.
i really love and appreciate all my friends who give me comfort when i'm sad. i also appreciate the fact that it looks like i am just making it harder for myself by continuing to stay open to people instead of closing and walking away. in fact, i think i need to learn to become more loving and more open while being better at not taking things personally.
love you, Kathy. you're awesome
Kathy,
Though we end up lost at times, we usually find our way…storms are never fun to deal with, but I always liked to picture it as something that makes you stronger…I guess the key for me would be, if something were hanging over me, to fix, cope with, or otherwise deal with what caused me these sad emotions. I hate the idea of anybody being sad, but with how kind and supportive you are, I hate it even more.
I am keeping you in my thoughts and I hope that the combined positive energy of all your friends here helps to combat the sad feelings. If there is anything else I can do, you can call or email anytime.
Contrary to most comments, I've been relatively stress free lately, so that may mean the energy I am sending you is especially pure and crisp!
Blessings to you, Kathy. I hold you in the light.
Peace and wonder,
CG
Dear All, thank you so much for your presence. I would like to talk more, but my deepest self just says “be quiet” for another day or so. Nicole and Lisa, and anyone else who is feeling pain or stress….((((big group hug…..)))) Love to all, will add more later.
i'm feeling your hug, and your quiet… enjoy it! feeling much better today, light and free and relaxed. must be eric's pure and crisp energy helping! hugs to you and you
Well, the sadness is gone….not a trace can be found on this bright sunshiny morning. Now happiness is the emotion pulsing through once again. How lovely. And yet, I don't really regret the visit of Ms. Sadness or Ms. Quietness or whoever else wants to visit for awhile. It can be so….disconcerting, though.
I think there's a part of us that longs for eternal happiness. Or thinks that the state of enlightenment is a place where we'll all live happily ever after. I don't believe that. We think that if we just process enough and/or grow up enough, that finally once and for all we'll just live in contented happiness and peace. But I think that what one eventually becomes enlightened to is the what is. And that what is includes all the human emotions. It's just that there is no longer a story that sticks, that keeps the tangled web of our human thoughts and feelings all crazy and jumbled up and confused.
Now, dear Elisa, what a thought! Chew up blackberry and paint on our faces!! Sounds like a hoot. Where do you live anyway? :)
Lenore, yes, being in quiet meditation and watching those storylines is what has helped me so much. Sometimes just need to return to that state of meditation every day and re-connect with the quiet center which is always there, but sometimes obscured.
Lalah, taking the time to write all this down and share helps me re-clarify things; if it assists anyone else I am joyful!
Lisa….guess we shared in that last email exchange…..just know that so many of us are “here for you” as you go through this stressful time.
Nicole, so glad you're feeling lighter and freer and more relaxed, and that you have those shoulders to cry upon. Yours is a great shoulder to cry upon. I love it that our relationships here are circular….I might cry on your shoulder….and you cry on Eric's (or whoever)….and there's enough shoulders to go around, when needed. Your words: in fact, i think i need to learn to become more loving and more open while being better at not taking things personally….that is something that we do need to remember. But, on the other hand, you do it so well so much of the time. It's part of your gift….I think you're just aiming for 100%. :)
Eric, hullo! Glad your energy is so clean & crisp lately. It feels goooooood. And it especially feels gooooooood today cuz that's how I'm feeling, as well! Isn't it interesting how much it hurts sometimes to see a friend going through sadness? And how we just want it go away? Part of my lesson has been simply allowing that friend to go through sadness without trying to fix it. I spent years trying to fix sadness, in myself and other people! Not too much anymore….although it still creeps in….. What seems to “work” the best is just to be there for the other person. In whatever way that comes from our center. Remind me that, next time I'm trying to fix anybody! ha ha
CG….I keep repeating like a mantra “I love your energy” every time you drop by. I especially love your words “peace and wonder”. Wonder! Wonder at all these human emotions and thoughts that come through…..wonder at all that we are….
Blessings to all, wherever you may find yourself today. And blessings for this group energy, both its challenges and its gifts. I love you all!
Pennsylvaniaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
yes, aiming at 100% of course! :) you know me so well… love you~
Kathy,
Only reading your blog and no one else's responses of yet, I did immediately recognize Byron Katie's The Work, or at least the similarities to it.
It seems the more I mature spiritually, the less likely I am to offer the love & light. Oh, love & light are important but it can sound hollow - like “have a nice day” - even when you mean it. If I sense that is what the person is looking for, sure it is easy for me to mean it. Of course, I wish to ease my suffering - doesn't that sound like Katie? But not every one wants that. I am finding more often now, that I'm willing to accept what they might be feeling as what is, that they really want acknowledgement. “Yeah, that's what is. How is it feeling? Does the feeling change when you give it attention?”
I recently advised someone just what you describe - she was feeling sad, didn't explain. I said sometimes all you can do is sit with it, feel it. We've gone on to deepen our friendship in a surprising way. We are both doing the Boundless Living 45-Day Challenge and she is addressing not only changing the situation that was making her sad, taking real action, to end her unhappiness but digging deeper into underlying issues that were not always obvious, her stories.
I really appreciate your idea about “the storyline appears first in 80-90% of all these interpretations”. This feels like truth to me. When I get angry, I can easily see after reading what you've written, that there was a story going on way before the anger. My attitude of ignoring, it's tugging at me for attention, finally causes it to erupt, so that I can't block it out of awareness any longer.
So, it isn't so much sadness that I've battled but anger. I came a long way when I learned that anger has a purpose, a reason but that it's meant to be brief and provoke change. It's meant to be followed by the consistency of love. Resentment, especially simmering, is the most unhealthy of pre-occupations.
So, I will look now for the story behind anger when I feel it and thanks to your making me think of this, this evening, will look for alternates - other stories - I might tell, which feel better.
Thanks & sympathetic hugs -
Deborah
Hi Deborah, I always love it when you comment, as your energy feels really soothing and thoughtful to me. It's weird….things pass so quickly…..I just peeked at the date this was written. A week ago. It seems like a lifetime ago. Seriously. That's how quickly things seem to pass. It's impossible to hold on to anything; it's like water in a stream. Emotions come and go, thoughts come and go. I almost can't pull back a memory of what this was all about. (Wait…now it's coming back, at least the edges of it!)
You spoke of anger being one of your challenges. What I recall about this particular incidence is that anger provoked it. Something happened; I was fiercely and wildly angry. First came the emotion, then the pause, the space for widening awareness. That's when I did the story-line work and cleared away the expectation and assumption that seemed to create the anger. Although “cleared away” may not be the right term. Maybe it would be more accurate to say “gave it attention”. But it was more than giving it attention; it was looking at other scenarios and realizing that I was “trapped” in a way of perceiving that wasn't even true. The anger dissolved rather quickly, without any coercion.
So the anger hit hot and white, then came the “work”…..and then came the sadness. The sadness was disconcerting, because there didn't seem to be a story line behind it. However, later I discovered that other people close in my life were having challenging emotional issues, and it's possible that I “hooked” into their energy. It wasn't personal at that point, it simple was. Maybe this is a group “pain body” that Eckhart Tolle talks about it? At that point, it felt like just being Present with the sadness assisted the larger group, as long as I wasn't personally hooked or emotional frayed by the experience that others were having. And maybe it was my own sadness, but it didn't matter. It was fine just to be with it.
Interesting, your observation: I am finding more often now, that I'm willing to accept what they might be feeling as what is, that they really want acknowledgment. Yes, isn't that true? I have discovered that is the case with most of us. We want and need that acknowledgment. That is primary. And for some people, that's all that is necessary. Other people are ready and willing to take the next step of really questioning. The people who are ready for this step seem fewer. Some people want to just switch the energy into “positive thinking”, which too often feels like simply another contraction, albeit a positive one. Positive energy and thought, yet, is another place where some people need and want to go in their exploration of the Moment. Fewer still are the individuals who want to go beyond positive and negative, and find what lies beyond….beyond thought, beyond feeling, beyond everything.
And (to make this perhaps more complicated!) I think within each of us are all those individuals. There's the parts of us that just want to be acknowledged, the parts of us that want to change negative thinking to positive thinking and the parts of us that want to go beyond dualities, and the parts of us that just want to be Present. And those parts are dancing all within our consciousness.
What a life! What awarenesses!
Love, Kathy
Kathy,
I think this conversation between us helped me last night. It seems so much easier to admit sadness, rather than anger, and I am so grateful that you told me the rest of the story. For me, sometimes the anger is followed by a sadness of “why couldn't I have reacted differently?” but I can't undo the lightning speed with which the anger rises. This has been an on-going struggle for 3-4 years, assisted by my 7 yr old's determination that I deal thoroughly with the subject. Ha ! The not-so-funny joke is on me.
Last night it was the 4 yr old. I've been doing Holosync as a meditative exercise for about a month. I think it is working well for me except finding private time to pursue it as it needs an entire hour. As you know, privacy is in short supply in my life. So, I find myself doing it in the bath, very late at night, when everyone else is asleep. Then, I “come to” and end up bumping around Gaia (and now the Boundless Living 45-Day Challenge) until 3am or later. I'm beginning to feel sleep deprived and so, I've been attempting to make my nights end earlier.
Night before last, after everyone seemed settled towards bedtime but not yet asleep, I bravely attempted “the bath” early (which is actually about 11pm, most would not consider that early at all). About 45 mins into the hour long meditation, I'm interrupted by a sobbing 4 yr old. Dad has brushed the young guy's teeth but he's really, really hungry. Now this kid, up until a month or two ago, was still a “milk baby” and I've depended upon Chocolate Ovaltine and whole milk to supply the bulk of his nutritional needs with various kinds of crackers, etc thrown in for fiber and carbohydrates. Suddenly, he's not wanting milk much and when he does, he wants Strawberry flavoring, which is almost negliable in nutrients.
So, there he is sobbing that he wants an egg yellow. How can I deny him that? So, he goes on to eat 3 of them. Last night, thinking I would circumvent him, I suggested “are you hungry?” before I went into the bath. Yes, he wanted egg yellow and I cooked 2 of them for him and he drank some “pink” milk (as Lola of Charlie and Lola fame has most likely inspired him to reject his chocolate-flavored, liquid Ovaltine vitamins). Ah, now I can have the uninterrupted bath. >>> No.
15 mins into the meditation, here he comes sobbing. Dad didn't let him walk into the kitchen to brush his teeth. He's hungry. So, I get out of the bath because he needs a tissue for hs nose that is running and he wants a chocolate stick. I could have gotten angry but other than a mild irritation, I was okay. Thanks to this conversation, I stopped myself to consider fully that he is afterall only 4. And it quickly passed and I did complete my meditation, at which point he was asleep.
I treasure our friendship.
Deborah
And I cannot begin to express my gratitude for the two of you (and all of Gaia, actually!). Your willingness to share these really intimate moments and your choices about them create perfect teaching moments for me. My grateful gratitude says thank you!
Dear Friends, I feel like to much has happened since reading your comments earlier today. After experiencing a bit of the 45 day Boundless Freedom challenge that you're experiencing, I have only awe and admiration for what you're both doing, Halal and Deborah.
Deborah, while stacking wood behind the house this afternoon, I thought a lot about the difference between the reactions of anger and sadness. You talk of the challenges of anger (and oh how your story of last night brought back so many memories of raising children, and all the ways those challenges helped strengthen and teach!) and the subsequent regret for feeling anger.
Of course so many of us would have experienced exactly the same emotional reaction, especially if our intent and desire was to spend a few precious moments or hours alone and doing our personal “work”. I honor you so much for being able to see through expectation & story to lead to a place of calmer peace and recognition beyond reaction….
For some reason, I am able to work through anger much more rapidly. It's the sadness which remains as a residue which has provided more challenges. One thing I have learned in the past few years is that our judgment against our emotional reaction creates another backlash of emotional energy that doubles or triples our initial response. I have been nearly paralyzed through judgment in the past….but not so much anymore. Whatever the emotion, that's just part of the what is. That seems the healthier way to just allow it to be, and then to proceed on to the deeper awareness from there. It doesn't mean it hurts less, it just seems to mean the secondary reactions don't double the pain.
Halal, you are a joy and inspiration for so many around you; I hope you realize that. You are willing to share your very intimate moments, as well (as are you Deborah, and many others here) and that open raw honesty and Presence is so important for all of us. I feel so grateful for friends like you. Blessings to all!
“One thing I have learned in the past few years is that our judgment against our emotional reaction creates another backlash of emotional energy that doubles or triples our initial response. “ HO!
Thank you, Centria. You are a huge gift in my life.
you are a tremendous gift to me too, Kathy… it is amazing how precious you have become to so many in so short a time… it will be wonderful to see what you will learn from the sadnesses that you are navigating…
Thanks La & Nicole! The gifting goes both ways, you know. :)
It seems that every human being navigates through currents of sadness, anger, joy, annoyance, happiness, irritation, ecstasy. So often it's because we're believing a make-believe pretend storyline that really doesn't serve us anymore. Yet, there's some reason we're choosing to believe the storyline. That's what's intriguing: what do we have invested in believing that out-dated storyline and why are we so often frightened to let it go and truly live in freedom?
When we strip away the storyline, the emotions still arise in each and every one of us. They are the currents of the river that pull us along. They are energy, precious energy. Yet perhaps you could say they're not so dangerous anymore. They don't threaten to swamp the raft. And this moment I'm not navigating sadness; only joy! And yet, even that emotion is not something to attain, something to keep, something to which we should aspire. It's passing along too, and look at the leaves floating by on the water of it…..
I am so grateful for; I think this acknowledgment, of the various emotions with which we contend, has been very good for me. I just want to say that I went into the bath early last night. I went through my entire, hour long meditation without interruption (and no, I did not lock the door to it). I got to bed early and actually got a full 8 hours of sleep, which is a rarity. I find that my center of balance has shifted once more and is in an even better place than ever before.
Okay, now that's done - what is the next challenge? this new level will present. And I do not doubt, that the challenges don't end, until we leave the earth plane and - I doubt they end after that either.
Wishing all a restful (from emotional turmoil) and happy Friday (knowing the weekend is upon us).
Deborah
So glad you had an uninterrupted bath and meditation and a good long full night of sleep. Such a simple precious gift, those small things in life. I can be so crabby & evil after not sleeping. Takes awhile to re-set the balance button then. You know, Deborah, I think you're right about the challenges never ending til we leave the earth plane. But maybe the contraction becomes a bit less. Who knows? Seconding Deborah's opinion, that everyone has a great day!