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condom
October 2009 
David Sedaris, my daughter & the condom
Posted on Jul 20th, 2008
by 
Centria
Centria
Have any of you heard of David Sedaris?
My daughter has....honestly....given permission to tell you this story. Aley liked it when we talked on the phone a couple weeks ago, so I begged K for the honor of repeating this to all you Gaian folk. She surprisingly agreed.
It all started last Christmas. We were sitting around the house entertaining each other with stories, when suddenly K determined that we should listen to one of her new favorite comedians, David Sedaris. His essays appear in the New Yorker and he's often heard of Public Radio's "This American Life". We listened to one of his stories about his stint as a Christmas elf in Macy's and soon we were almost rolling on the floor in hysterics. It was the funniest. It was a great Christmas story, and maybe we'll do it again next year.
I then got one of his book through intra-library loan "Me Talk Pretty One Day" and laughed non-stop for the course of the book. If you don't like the f*&^ word, it might be advisable to skip him. But if you're into droll or strange humor, he's a stitch.
As the Washington Post puts it, he's "Shrewd, wickedly funny....one of America's most prickly, and most delicious, young comic talents."
So, we love David Sedaris. And K gets the opportunity to go to....was it Philadelphia?....and hear him publicize his new book "When You are Engulfed in Flames." So she asked a friend to go. Here we need to refer to Lisa and Nicole and their discussions concerning relationships and "whatevers". K has this friend she's "seeing" in New York. Except she's not "seeing" him. She's not dating him. She's not....heck, I can't figure it out. I'm only her mother. They're friends. But they might be more than friends if they didn't live two states away. Something like that. I probably have this part all wrong.
She invited him to go with her to see David Sedaris. We shall call him "D", the friend of "K". (I'm just not feeling comfortable enough to just blurt out everyone's names here.) The two friends enjoyed some time in Philadelphia, or wherever they were, and then went to hear David Sedaris promote his book. They couldn't hear him from the back of the bookstore, but no matter. K just enjoyed seeing him gesture from the front of the room. And then came the golden moment when they stood in line to get a new book autographed from the comedian.
They waited in line hours. But no worries. The two friends chatted and enjoyed each other's company. Finally they approached David Sedaris.
"Hello," he says. "So....." he looks at them both, "are you married or just dating?"
K and D's mouths drop open. He's asking them to define their relationship. How do they reply? What should they say? They haven't defined anything to themselves, let alone to another person. It's the most awkward moment in the universe. They remain silent, their minds searching frantically for an answer.
"What?" he says. "Oh....I see....you're just having sex."
Utter silence. Utter horror. No words. (as a mother, I feel the need to say, "of course not! of course they're not! But I know nothing.....and am left in the dark about anything anywhere near this subject.) All I know is that she tries to say something, but no words come out.
"Just a minute," David says, "I have something for you."
He rummages through his bag, and finally, triumphantly, pulls out a condom and hands it to my daughter. She takes it, still struck silent.
"This is for you," he says, and then proceeds to sign her book, "To K....I'm so happy you're alive."
She calls me the next day, on her way back home. "You can't believe this!" she says, "I now have a condom from David Sedaris that I can never ever ever get rid of. For the rest of my life I will be showing anyone and everyone this condom from David Sedaris. Why couldn't he have just asked the same thing he asked the people in front of us....what are your names and what do you do for a living? He had to ask us that!!!"
And that's the story! Has anyone else received a condom from David Sedaris?
My daughter has....honestly....given permission to tell you this story. Aley liked it when we talked on the phone a couple weeks ago, so I begged K for the honor of repeating this to all you Gaian folk. She surprisingly agreed.
It all started last Christmas. We were sitting around the house entertaining each other with stories, when suddenly K determined that we should listen to one of her new favorite comedians, David Sedaris. His essays appear in the New Yorker and he's often heard of Public Radio's "This American Life". We listened to one of his stories about his stint as a Christmas elf in Macy's and soon we were almost rolling on the floor in hysterics. It was the funniest. It was a great Christmas story, and maybe we'll do it again next year.
I then got one of his book through intra-library loan "Me Talk Pretty One Day" and laughed non-stop for the course of the book. If you don't like the f*&^ word, it might be advisable to skip him. But if you're into droll or strange humor, he's a stitch.
As the Washington Post puts it, he's "Shrewd, wickedly funny....one of America's most prickly, and most delicious, young comic talents."
So, we love David Sedaris. And K gets the opportunity to go to....was it Philadelphia?....and hear him publicize his new book "When You are Engulfed in Flames." So she asked a friend to go. Here we need to refer to Lisa and Nicole and their discussions concerning relationships and "whatevers". K has this friend she's "seeing" in New York. Except she's not "seeing" him. She's not dating him. She's not....heck, I can't figure it out. I'm only her mother. They're friends. But they might be more than friends if they didn't live two states away. Something like that. I probably have this part all wrong.
She invited him to go with her to see David Sedaris. We shall call him "D", the friend of "K". (I'm just not feeling comfortable enough to just blurt out everyone's names here.) The two friends enjoyed some time in Philadelphia, or wherever they were, and then went to hear David Sedaris promote his book. They couldn't hear him from the back of the bookstore, but no matter. K just enjoyed seeing him gesture from the front of the room. And then came the golden moment when they stood in line to get a new book autographed from the comedian.
They waited in line hours. But no worries. The two friends chatted and enjoyed each other's company. Finally they approached David Sedaris.
"Hello," he says. "So....." he looks at them both, "are you married or just dating?"
K and D's mouths drop open. He's asking them to define their relationship. How do they reply? What should they say? They haven't defined anything to themselves, let alone to another person. It's the most awkward moment in the universe. They remain silent, their minds searching frantically for an answer.
"What?" he says. "Oh....I see....you're just having sex."
Utter silence. Utter horror. No words. (as a mother, I feel the need to say, "of course not! of course they're not! But I know nothing.....and am left in the dark about anything anywhere near this subject.) All I know is that she tries to say something, but no words come out.
"Just a minute," David says, "I have something for you."
He rummages through his bag, and finally, triumphantly, pulls out a condom and hands it to my daughter. She takes it, still struck silent.
"This is for you," he says, and then proceeds to sign her book, "To K....I'm so happy you're alive."
She calls me the next day, on her way back home. "You can't believe this!" she says, "I now have a condom from David Sedaris that I can never ever ever get rid of. For the rest of my life I will be showing anyone and everyone this condom from David Sedaris. Why couldn't he have just asked the same thing he asked the people in front of us....what are your names and what do you do for a living? He had to ask us that!!!"
And that's the story! Has anyone else received a condom from David Sedaris?
Access: Public
LOLOL! what a moment!
I once gave Amy, David's sister, a condom, unused I might add. Not my proudest moment. Maybe it was the same one.
Oh my god, Paul, you don't think……? Just kidding….. but isn't it strange all the werid synchronicities and strange happenings among all of us here on Gaia? don't they say we're all related by seven degrees or something? And now you and I are possibly related through the Sedaris family condom saga…. Life Is Strange.
And yes, Nicole, I am STILL laughing at this story. what a moment, indeed, to share with the grandchildren. If & when there ever are grandchildren… Hmmm, another topic.
Dear David Sedaris, we need to get you a comedy special so you can enter my netflix queue. Stat. Love, Eric.
Dear Eric, I'm sure he'll be reading this blog and all these comments & will be responding any moment now! Love, Kathy
Sedris condoms for sale for safe sex , were here on Gaia.
Sedris saves lives , and the human race.
What colour are you, condom that is…
Great one!
So they're not “seeing each other” or “dating,” huh? Sounds like a “whatever” or “friends with benefits” to me. Or as David put it–Just Having Sex. JHS.
Perhaps you could send K and D to my blog and Nicole's so they can learn modern terminology to use when in these situations. Hopefully, they would learn that these alternatives to relationships don't really work too well (but fortunately, decent condoms do). And maybe they would take the bold step of moving up to actual dating or even bolder yet–a relationship…imagine that!
Good point to make , relationship first , and continuely, there after then add safe sex,then who knows what will unfold.
Not sure about this modern language , I just don't get it!
JHS?
I think we need to make a new dictionary for the future.
Maybe K & D can help…
Then I can understand what my kids are saying to each other., and their friends.
Is Lisa falling back in to her “blog pimping” ways?
Oh man, I love those moments when you're reading a story and you stop breathing for a good solid sec with your mouth open! Awesome, and thanks to your daughter for letting you share it with us!
so I'm curious….was David correct about the just having sex part? this was nice and funny.
Once a pimp, always a pimp!
MorningStar, stop this trickery, I say; else this blog may become a place of solicitous scandal, ill repute, and, if left to its own devices, seen walking the streets of the Upper Peninsula!
Kathy, thanks for being a good sport through all this.
Glad you shared this with everyone! See, they loved it! And glad your daughter was okay with it too!
Hmm…maybe you could get some $$ on ebay. Someone sold some chewed gum by Britney “dingaling” Spears. You could market it as “the rubber meeting the roadie” or some such silly thing!
ROFLMAO
blog pimpin ways… LOL!
Oh God Aley rubber meeting roadie! :):)
Kathy, some say we should just skip the kids and go straight to grandkids… apparently Nishtha has actually figured out how! :)
Wow look what happens when a person goes to sleep!! That's why we need to stay awake day and night….to see what's happening on Gaia!
Everyone: I simply do not know anything about the details of K's relationships; she's pretty closed mouth about it. As is fine & dandy with me. I was just going to start typing an analysis of it all, but think this is the time to shut up. Could be yes, could be no, could be somewhere in between. Like Authentic Soul, I don't know all this terminology. But thanks to all you folks, I'm learning! And Authentic Soul, so glad you stopped by!
So did Lisa blog pimp? **note to self** More seeds for Lisa!
Halal, did you quit breathing? This was a quit-breathing type story? Oh, that's delightful!
(hope you started again, right away….)
Maze: refer to the above commentary. David may have been correct….or maybe they were still in the stage of thinking about it….and it was embarrassing….or? Or maybe he wanted to and she didn't, or visa versa? Note to self: shut up now, will you, no more thinking about this! (if she was reading this now, she might just put the stops on future story telling from her mama…..)
Paul, scandal in the UP? Ha ha! Let's keep this blog on Gaia, shall we?
Aley, you were right, guess this was a good story to blog about. I will offer the suggestion about ebay sales. Although, do you think a David Sedaris condom is on par with Britney's chewing gum??
This is hilarious (and pretty crazy David Sedaris had to ask the two of them this!!!). K should frame the condom and put it on her wall (she should have asked David to sign the condom instead of the book actually - would have been something!).
Btw: I love his humour, too. Have read “Dress you family in corduroy and denim” and loved it. Anyone heard of Laurie Notaro? I don't know why I keep thinking of her when I hear Sedaris' name. I think it's maybe because I read their books right after one another (and she's American, too). I thought their humour was similar but maybe it's so not. Anyways, I think she rocks, too (I read “The idiot girls' action adventure club”).
Nicole, you & I must have posting at exactly the same minute! Will we get Lisa to change her evil blog pimping ways….? wait a minute, who said it was evil? We love Lisa…and Paul….and all good blog pimpers…. oh this is not sounding good…. And thanks for highlighting Aley's “rubber meeting roadie” I didn't catch that until now! Thank god for commenters commenting on commenters. :)
Jenny, my daughter sent me his latest book to read (with autograph) and Naked. I'm in the midst of Naked right now. (could you tell I was trying to imitate his style in this blog?….but who could ever do it with such style? He's hysterically funny!) And yes, K is thinking of framing the condom and putting it on her wall. Haven't read the corduroy & denim book yet….and maybe we should all look up Laurie Notaro next. Haven't heard of her….
Great story!!
I just finished Naked, and I'm reading Me Talk Pretty One Day. I did a lot of reading on the train, and got some funny looks when I laughed out loud… especially when I was reading Naked! LOL! Great story. I could just picture their shocked faces…
Thanks for sharing!
:-)
Hey Emma, glad you liked this! & Susan #1, really? really? you're reading David Sedaris right now? I can just picture you cracking up while you were on the train. The story in Naked that got me hysterical was “Dinah, the Christmas Whore.” Have you read that one yet? The first ones in the book didn't seem that funny to me (compare to Me Talk Pretty)…but Dinah is beyond funny. So synchronistic that you are reading him right now!
I loved this story and LMAO. Situations like the one described here occur when people attempt to put labels on relationships instead of letting them just be what they are.
My daughter read me the Christmas Whore on Christmas one year when we had no gifts or money to exchange…it was a hoot!
What a wonderfully funny story! : )
Ms. Lenore, you are so right. Down with labels! Obviously we're trying to use them all the time to communicate….but they can be so damn limiting. (Aley, do you hear this, I am using profanity, and ought to go over to your blog and communicate about this fascinating subject. But if I don't make it over there, profantiy doesn't really bother me….and I LOVE the fact your read the Christmas Whore when you had nothing else to exchange one year. THAT almost brings tears to my eyes….)
Glenda, glad you thought this story was funny! I just had to read all eight (eight, mind you!) pages of this blog & commentary to my husband as we sat out on the deck before dinner. I think this gave him at least a tiny of glimpse of this Gaia world & what we're doing & exchanging here. I think it blew him away. He kept saying, “You've got to show this to K when she comes home next month” and I kept saying, “I don't know……”
What do you think? Will she like this or disown me?
I did not officially blog pimp. I alluded to my (really great) blog (that got lots of comments and was really interesting) but didn't include a link. Without a link, it's not a true “pimping.”
Sorry to disappoint.
Anyone who'd like a link to the blog, send me a grapevine and I'll make sure you get it. I just can't bring myself to pimp that (awesome) blog here on Centria's blog. That would be “blog crapping” (mentioned on another fantastic blog)….and I just don't feel right about doing that.
;)
not evil, definitely not! how about an Angel who walks on water?
Y'All do realise that this guy got ya all talkin'…!
All Part of the Plot!
Absolutely brilliant!!!!
Man, he's good!
…
Thanks Lisa for setting us (me?) straight once again on the blog pimping/crapping scenarios. No, not evil at all….although I think I need more coffee this morning…..does this “Angel” walking on water have anything to do with blog pimping or crapping? Has anyone checked this out on snopes.com? Maybe David Sedaris can walk on water, but anyone else….? LOL!
MarleMac, you're right! He's got us all talking, so he's succeeded…..thanks for stopping by…..
My husband and I have enjoyed listening to David Sedaris' audiobooks during road trips for a few years, now, and loved seeing him live when he came to Tulsa, last year. We also love his sister Amy, as she is immortalized for us on our Strangers with Candy series on DVD (with pre-truthiness Stephen Colbert.)
One of David's stories involve shopping with his sister Amy, and how she always urges him to buy for himself. In our house, “Amy Sedaris(ing)(ed)” is now a verb. “I'm glad you Amy Sedarised me into getting this new iPod!”
Hi again Ms. Mama Sue! Wow, what a great idea to listen to audiobooks of David Sedaris. You know, I really don’t know much about Amy Sedaris at all (except in reference to Heemes comment above, and what does one make of that anyway?) She sounds just as funny as her brother. Growing up in that house must have been a stitch…..apparently if you survived it that is! Will remember than Amy Sedaris(ing)(ed) reference. Will see if I can slip it in tonight when my husband & I are having dinner. :)