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enlightenment
October 2009 
Not Wanting to be Enlightened
Centria
Sometime recently (was it a month ago? two?) something strange happened. After years and years of wanting to be enlightened, reading six million books about enlightenment and spiritual growth, and meditating most days....it all ground to a sudden stop.
All those hours and minutes and seconds of yearning for enlightenment, yearning for the "big bang" of Oneness simply disappeared. Gone. And it hasn't showed its face again.
Instead, there's just this moment. And that's all that matters to me, whoever I am. Whoever this person is with all her strengths and weaknesses, with all her feelings and challenges, her joys and blessings....that's just fine.
Before, in meditation, there was always a subtle (or not so subtle) seeking. Trying. Looking. Even in the silence, the attention was elsewhere, wanting something else. Now it's just being. The word "being" has eclipsed everything. And it's not just the being of one person. It's the being that you feel when you really become aware that being includes everything in awareness. The birds chirping, the next person's comment, the walk down the road.
Will there be a moment of grand enlightenment sometime? Maybe. Who knows? It's simply that I do not care anymore. This full moment is enough. It's even full enough knowing that I am a human being with much to learn. It doesn't cut away the vulnerability, the tentativeness, the honesty, the mistakes. It doesn't cut away anything from the wholeness of what we are. It's just "as it is".
And my heart rejoices with the incredible quiet knowing of it.
Access: Public
Beautiful
: )
awesome! so happy for you!
Here's the thing - it sounds like you've found a place of enlightenment. You're in the moment, you aren't looking, searching, yearning… no big bang? Yeah, serenity is quiet that way.
Great post! Thank you for sharing.
xo Ayla
Soul, yes, I thought you might like this…. :)
Nicole, after 22 years of pretty much obsessive seeking, seeking, seeking….it's just such a relief to just let go…. It feels so damn good.
Ayla! Hi… I don't know about enlightenment. That's the funny part. I don't even understand the word anymore. If something else comes, hurrah! If nothing else comes, hurrah! Love what you said about serenity….the serenity of dropping into everything.
I am going to remember (and possibly read again) your post on Tuesday before I go into a day zen silent meditation retreat. Thank you for sharing Terrill:)
Re: your post 5/8/08. My first response was: “She said it. She said it for me. I know what you say. I know the same. But either have not taken the time to put it into words or I don't have the ability. I feel relieved. It is said now, for me too.”
But I'm sure it is even greater this moment. Because that is how it is. It keeps getting better.
Your profile notes that you were born in 1958. The same year as my first born. In your comment to me, you mention ticks.
I just went to a dermatologist for an all-over body check for changes in the skin. Because of my age and also because of all the cautions about the dangers of too much sun exposure (which I may have done a few decades ago.) I'm clean. No problem.
The appt got me thinking about my daughter because she too has to check her body. For ticks. From what you say, it sounds that you and my daughter are very much alike in lifestyle choices. She lives in Ettrick, WI (25 miles N of LaCrosse.
I live in Columbus, WI. about 75 miles west of Milwaukee and about 200 miles north of Illinois. I suppose that would be called, “South Central” .
My mother's roots are in the Soo area but our family was born and raised in Chicago.
My grandfather is John Bergerone; step-grandfather Jerry Bergerone (though not brothers). My grandmother is Julia Trombley.
Thanks for reading me. And leaving a note.
Joyous Mary
Enlightenment has begun.
Hi, Joyous! Thanks for stopping by. We're nearly neighbors, and your daughter definitely is. Only one state away…. Yes, the wood ticks are certainly fun this time of year. Once a few summers ago my husband and I went for a walk in the woods and got in the car to drive home. They were crawling all over and I must have thrown at least 50 out the car window. No exaggeration! However, there's not much lyme disease around here, thank goodness. I'm glad that what I said here resonated with your life too. Blessings to you.
And Aley!! Have things settled down over on your blog? :) I was so impressed with how well you handled all the comments and opinions and thoughts that came your way. You were so calm and thoughtful and just….present…..to everyone. It was wonderful to see that, and perhaps learn something, too. Thank you.
The thing about enlightenment is when we finally get there, we come back here
over & over to help others who haven't gotten it yet!
<bodhisattva vow>
Blessings on your journey. Spiritual & the great Mexican adventure.
Go as soon as you can. It's wonderful!
Thanks for the post here & the comment to my blog.
Peace On…. Lb
I think I remember that the Buddha said we need to get over the desire even for enlightenment. Perhaps that is when you know…! And it can be quiet as you felt, and countless others who had the peace of anonymity; or grand as we hear the Buddha felt.
There is peace in your energy, a calm and depth. Thank you for sharing.
Yayyyy! Happy for ya. The seeking is evidence that you haven't found enlightenment since it is residing in you. You've gotta go there, and go, and go and go… You're going to help a lot of persons [now]. Thank you. Much love. sherri
Ha ha, it's before 6 a.m. and I'm lying in bed listening to thoughts about this topic forming in my head. So might as well get up and let the thoughts have their way.
It seems many people think that the cessation of seeking and the knowing of Oneness is enlightenment. I can't claim that. It may be, it may not be. The truest thought seems to be: I'm not enlightened; I'm enlightened. I'm awake, I'm not awake. You're awake and you're not awake. You're enlightened and you're not enlightened. It just feels like “enlightened” is another word in the duality spectrum and this just is so ordinary and simple and “what it is.”
Ladybear, hi! Glad you stopped by….kept laughing about that iguana sandwich and told my husband about it last night when he came home. Thought a lot about the Bodhisattva Vow. Maybe if people claim and feel and know enlightenment 100%, that's what bubbles up naturally from within that knowing. It has always seemed honorable and right. And the knowing that arises–that we're all One–seems that it would be utterly natural to vow enlightenment towards all the parts of the eternal self. Yet…from this place I'm experiencing….even that desire isn't there. It feels like people are exactly where they are right now, perhaps awakening in every moment, or some moments, or maybe barely blinking their eyes awake. All I can do is just be as present and awake as possible.
Meenakshi, that peace and calm does feel wonderful. Although….in another way….the feelings of not having completely found a voice here on Gaia awhile ago felt equally as good. Strange, that feels like a past life already. The water of life just keeps on flowing from one thing to another….Just flowing….. What can we really claim?
Hello Sherri, it's so nice to meet you. Love your line “You've gotta go there, and go, and go and go.” And the next line just bubbled up in my head, “You gotta be here, and be, and be and be.” Wow, it sounds like we're singing. Let' s all just keep singing our songs….
You have touched upon and given us a beatiful thing here, this great teaching in your own recognition of what is and your beingness. For me it is much the same - Seeking happens, tiredness happens, there is simple recognition of being. Each of these comments has really touched me deeply. Today, just for today, “I shall not want.” Being is enough! (Maybe that answers an earlier questions).
Today, as I move around GAIA, I would like to point to this blog - for those seeking. I feel as if this found me, that we are found and found out in our seeking and seach for enlightenment.
I found this because of satya and thank you. This is it.
I really like what you've said here about the end of seeking and the beginning of being…it sounds reallly liberating.
This full moment is enough….yes!
I like what Satya said….the idea of “I shall not want” and “Being is enough.” I'm going to try this out….maybe “try” is not the word. Instead, I'll just let things be.
Thank you…
There is Being, which has never been asleep.
And there is the construct which Being uses to navigate throught the experience of this life- also called the Ego, and which we identify with and are seeking to awake.
It sounds as though you have accomplished the dis-identification with the construct which allows awakening to happen. Inspiring!
Wow, I am so impressed by this chain of wisdom & simplicity and happy to see that Ladybear & Satya (among others) are part of it, I want to be a link in this chain too,
blessings and bunches of bananas & beedlebops & bazookas,
Mike
Yes, this is what has become important for me as well. Each and every moment, just being with it, experiencing it, not judging it and being fully present. It is so subtle, that I almost believe without all the seeking and contemplation and the educating of oneself and the searching the soul for resonance with other people's writings, that it might be missed otherwise.
It is truly consciousness - the Supreme Consciousness, the unmanifested Source, the Divine Intelligence - All that Is - finally, after a few rare successes - think Buddha, Jesus, Krishna, Lao-tzu, etc, after a few RARE successes over many, many generations, it is finally blooming as a whole globe full of WILD flowers, unfolding its awareness through a multitude of forms, yet being aware now, really being aware now that it has woken up and sees the dream, understands the dream and is aware of its reality as the unfolding of our lives.
It is hard to put into words but yesterday - this thought came to me in answer to my own question asked of it, “what is the next step for me; in the unfolding of my life?” and the answer was surprisingly simple -
“I am giving the gift to the Giver of receiving”
I am accepting that it is this Presence that is aware, at the deepest level, of what is truly real. It is Pure Love, it is the giving without need of repayment. It is that which I am and I am that which it is, as it expresses itself as me. It is conscious as form in this world because I am conscious of its expression through me.
It is a relief; to realize that is all that is required of me - that I just be myself, without defining what that is.
Deborah
Aw shucks…peace or chaos as it is…being as it is…I'm home
awesome. and funnily enough, as I read this entry, abbey lincoln was singing on my stereo: “everything imagined is you…”
Oh this gladdens my heart so much to hear and feel that so many of us are experiencing much of the same thing! Maybe it's the hundredth monkey paradigm and it just keeps expanding and expanding outwards (or would that be inwards?).
Thank you all for stopping by and sharing. Satya, I love how you're always sharing other people's blogs all around Gaia, a true ambassador it seems. I am so touched by your compassion (& zany-ness) for so may. Hello, Jenni, it's nice to see your smiling face here.
Morning Star, Writing Star….hope your day of being went well, without trying. Janet, the dis-identification with the construct of ego does seem to be key. Mike…..blessings and bunches of bananas & beedlebops & bazookas???? Ha, ha, come back again any time! I think I've seen you around Gaia a few times….
Deborah, this line “I am giving the gift to the Giver of receiving” is so beautiful, and I am going to write it down, to feel it, to remember it. Kimmergy….glad you're home, too! And Alan in Barbados (enjoying your Evolution Web Logs)… Everything imagined IS us!!
Much love & gratitude & filled with hope, Kathy
Eek! I hate enlightenment.
Let's be animals with neocortexes in vortexes of electromagnetic machinery, eating plastic, having sex in plastic, swallowing all of life by embracing it elastic.
My ego is so afraid, it holds on to me. I tried books but it kept clinging - no matter how hard I whacked it..!
Here I sit in this divine battelefield of mouse, keyboard, squinting eyes and sore vertebrae… thank you for reminding me to enjoy it!
with total banality, Tijmen
yep, presence, presence, presence.
presently loving your process and writing here! :)
What was that Ram Dass taught us all those years ago?
hummmmm…That's Right.
BE HERE NOW!
:-)
Yup.
: )
Ya centria, everything imagined is us, including that sometimes illusive 100th monkey– therefore, I'm telling myself “I AM the 100th monkey…” : D and it's true! Say it with me, everbody!
Enlightenment, I believe, is… NOT outside of us, as you've found. I'm learning, as is seen in that evolution blog (so glad you're enjoying it) it is purely about being. 's funny to me sometimes that we talk so much about it when there's so little to say. (I may be the worst example of this… *looks down guiltily*)
love to you and stuff,
Alan
You guys may all be used to this group blog discussion, but I'm thinking we ought to be serving cheese and crackers or something. At least some of Satya's biscuits? Tijmen, yup, I can see how you can hate enlightenment….especially when our Ego's hang on with such a tight clinging grasping and the whole concept just sounds like words, words, words. Yup, totally understand that one. Ohmsmom, thanks for dropping by, too….I've “seen” you around Gaia too.
And Ladybear, Ram Dass certainly had it right. However, it took me a long time after reading that book to realize what “Be Here Now” might actually mean. As a matter of fact, I'm still learning it.
glad to hear your agreement, Medley Mo. And Alan, yes the 100th monkey IS illusive, thanks for the reminder. “I AM the 100th monkey….” This might be the mantra of the day. Can you get it added to Quotes? :)
yes, Be Here Now
I remember but then i forget
then I remember the mantra.
OM
Morningstar and all, those bunches of bananas are to feed that hungry hundreth monkey….. he/she must be famished having only had sweetpotatoes for breakfast, brunch & dinner- don't fret-just me being silly again
yes- i so agree. trying to reach that pinnacle we call enlightenment- it is not in our hands. it happens when it happens- but we can lay the foundation and learn the way as we go along. that is, i think, the most important work we can do for ourselves- grow our souls. Peace.
Wow! In checking in and reading all these comments, I shall go to my first-every all day meditation on Monday, relaxed, in the moment and just be. What an amazing opportunity to share in this conversation with so many like minds. Many blessings and appreciation. Terrill:)
awesome discussion! almost a shirl party! love and light
Jen, that “laying the foundation” seems to be an important part of this. Someone I read or listened to recently (was it Adyashanti? or someone else? –one of the six million books or CDs) said you have to seek and seek and seek until you totally wear out the “I” who is seeking. That the seeking is a big part of the process, but the “answer” to the search is not finding out what you think you'll discover.
So it seems like often it's not a matter of doing nothing. Then things might remain status quo, asleep. Another person, Shinzen Young, describes the spiritual journey with the layer of everyday or consensual reality on the top. He says the middle layer is filled with the unconscious, spirit beings, gods, psychic phenomenon, etc. He says you have to move through this layer in order to get to the Source (the third layer, which really isn't a layer at all.) He says that people often have one of three reactions to this middle layer of seeking. Either you are frightened and get the hell out of there back to ordinary reality (he might not have said 'hell'), or you become fascinated with the material and attached to it and like it…in which case you stay in the middle area and explore it, not realizing that this middle layer holds great teachings about how to get to the Source. I personally became quite enamored with this middle layer for years and years. In Buddhism and some other approaches, the practice is to just move through the middle layer of psychic phenomenon and bliss and demons with totally equanimity.
“Oh a demon,” you say. “Oh, kundalini energy,” you say…..realizing that these phenomena are merely passing bleeps as we approach the Source.
Oh man, maybe this should have been a new blog rather than a continuation, hmmm?
Terrill, enjoy your first all-day meditation tomorrow!
This is really a wonderful thread of ideas, thoughts and love….just what the spiritual doctor ordered…
love to all,
Aley
Just a bit 'Yes' to this blog.
xo
Just wanted to add that I appreciated your comments about the middle layer. Gosh I arrived there 30 years ago and it did scare the hell out of me. There was no one in my life at the time to put it into any kind of context. Yep, I turned it right off.
Then about 2-3 years ago the Abraham-Hicks stuff was mentioned and I said no, it's channeling and I want nothing to do with it. Then, I joined Zaadz about a yr and a half ago and ended up in a pod full of A-H people before I realized that was who they were. Lots of growth there and then, I outgrew that and started my own pod - Living Metaphysics - in which channeling discussions occur fairly often and many there are familiar with that in one form or another.
Recently, I listened to CD highlights of the Rev Dr Michael Bernard Beckwith's Life Visioning process and he describes becoming a channel as the 3rd stage of 4 stages of metaphysical development, a stage which he also calls “surrender”. I am more accepting of that middle layer these days but on my own terms still, in some sense. Just being, as you began this discussion with.
Deborah
There are layers of truth and understanding in this world, far beyond my comprehension. However, when I read this (belatedly, obviously), I said to myself “YES”. There are many answers in this world, and I suppose sometimes we focus on the BIG TRUTH - why? Why can’t enlightenment be something little? A new joke between you and a significant other? A new television show? Rediscovering an old pair of shoes that fit just right? Sometimes the little truths and discoveries we make in our lives are powerful enough, and not every day can be a huge breakthrough - as long as we keep learning and growing, good things come from that. That alone is worth living for.
hmm, I just made reference in my own blog comments to fellow Gaia-ite Mushin's blog Beyond the Enlightenment Disease
and then thought of your words. Centria! I think you will like what Mushin says.
Love,
Sandra
Eric and Sandra, it's interesting that you both came to this blog (written May 8th, feels like a past life already….) within a couple hours of each other. Eric, I really love your comments. Why are we always looking, looking for something really BIG, when maybe the little things are really IT. I think reading your comments is IT. Being here now, thinking of the two of you is IT. The one thing I'm not sure of is if we need to look & look & look again before we're finally ready to say “enough” and wake up to the present moment.
Sandra, Mushin's comments were very “enlightening”. Anyone else who is still reading the comments on this blog might be interested to read what he has to say. How many of us seem to have to walk this road (some of us more fervently than others) until we realize that the seeking itself separates us from Enlightenment.
Thanks, both of you, for adding your thoughts….
awesome, awesome! oh Kathy, if you ever have time or inclination or both to join our God Pod discussion, you would be most deeply appreciated there. love you! crossposting to God Pod
that's the beauty of Gaia - that you can discover little gems like this and experience it again and again!
my mentor Alana van Rensburg once said to me, stop reading so much, just LIVE!
still love reading, but DOING a LOT of LIVING, in the moment is so precious, every moment!
THERE IS ONLY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi MarleMac, just think how many gems are scattered all over the pages of Gaia that we'll never even see…. But in the precious moment that is: we'll see what we happen upon seeing. And that's enough too.
I love that you recognize about this precious moment, this very Now. And another truly amazing thing about Gaia is that there's quite a few folks who seem to know this truth. And once we know: we can never forget it entirely ever again!
Thank you so much for stopping by & sharing your enthusiasm!