***Before anyone new begins to read this blog....just wanted to inform everyone that the problems have been miraculously fixed, either due to Gaia support staff or our internet server.  Unexpectedly, this morning everything's back to zipping merrily along in Gaia-world.  However, if you want to hear what it was like a few days ago....please keep reading....***


It's been a sad few days.  Since perhaps Thursday, Gaia hasn't been working for me.  The Gaia gods withdrew support.....they pointed their fingers towards this computer and hissed "hocus pocus!" and suddenly Everything Changed.

While it seems everyone else is zipping along merrily in Computer Land, hooked to high-speed internet connections, chatting merrily back and forth on Gaia, I've been mostly eliminated from the game.  I was kinda hoping others would be having similar problems, in order that a solution might be forthcoming.  But so far, it seems no one else is complaining.

The problem is this:  it takes each page 1-3 minutes to load.  This seems to be an improvement, believe it or not.  On Thursday, it took more like 2-4 minutes.  However, do you know how challenging it is to wait even one minute between page loadings?  Unless one has other chores to do:  fingernail filing, reading a magazine, making lists and so forth. 

To reply to a single grapevine message now takes something like 5 minutes.  To check Gaia email is a nightmare.  To maneuver to a pod (something which I need to do) is a complicated feat.  Getting to this blog (after checking QnR for the day to determine if this topic might fit nicely in) took about 6 minutes.....and commenting might be more challenging than it's worth. One can't read other blogs or visit other pages unless one has spare hours available, and it feels extremely disconnected.   I miss you guys!  I miss Gaia!  This isn't working.....

So, what does one do?  Watch the feelings of sadness and disconnect arise.  Appreciate the miracles of normal high-speed internet connections, and how much we take this for granted.  (All of the other internet sites seem to be working well on this computer.....so it's not our computer's problem.  I also tested this scenario on another computer ten miles away.  Same scenario.  So it could be our service.  But then why are all the other sites operating at their usual high speed?)

I've spent lots of hours in the last few days hiking and spending time outside.  Catching up on all sorts of small chores (which are often disregarded when faced with the option of spending time on Gaia or accomplishing small chores.)  Calling long-lost friends and re-connecting.   Meditating.  Going to a Halloween party (yes, we went.....)   Today we're going to fill the woodroom, rake leaves and maybe put away deck furniture for the winter.  It has been a good few days, filled with lots of enjoyment and connection with other parts of life.  Life is good, even when things don't go the way our mind wants them to go.

But I miss connecting with so many of you!  I miss our back-and-forth!  So.....just wanted to let you know what's happening on this end.....hope everyone is doing well....miss reading blogs.....miss grapevining.....hoping this someday gets fixed.

Much love,  Kathy

Today's the big day.  Right after casting my vote, it's time to head downstairs, find the suitcase and haul it up into the living room.  And then start deciding what clothes to put in the little fellow that will last for a ten day trip in Europe.

Yep!  It's true.....I'm going to Belgium and the Netherlands on Thursday.  This is such an exciting trip which has materialized and the best part promises to be meeting and visiting with four beautiful women (three of whom are....yes!.....Gaians......)

Backtracking a little, here's how the trip got planned.  My daughter has been over in Europe since early September.  She's been volunteering with a group called Wwoof (World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms) and thus is now known as a Wwoofer.  She stayed at two places in Belgium and Portugal.  The volunteers work on the farms in exchange for room and board.  After she finished her service a week or two ago, she's been meandering through Spain and is, presumably, now in Paris until our meeting at the Brussels airport on Friday.

A little over a month ago she began to ask, "Why don't you come over and spend the last ten days with me?"  At first the mind began all the reasons why this wouldn't be possible:  Too expensive, can't get off work for ten days, too expensive, we were just in Europe one and a half years ago, too expensive....

But the Universe must have stamped "approval" on this possibility, because everything started coming together miraculously.  First, I won a prize through Northwest Airlines of three free nights stay at a Hilton....anywhere in the world.  How incredible is that?  And then Victoria, a new Gaian friend from Belgium, offered to pick us up at the airport and take us to her house.  (Victoria, I love you already!)   My daughter has already spent time with her and her family, and think they are very special....

We are also traveling to the north of the Netherlands to visit a dear friend.  We first met at age 18 in Switzerland when I arrived as a timid exchange student to their home in Basel.  We spent that summer together, and have visited back and forth for many years.  Well, mostly she's visited.  It will be a pleasure to spend some time at her home.  We always begin talking again as if no time has ever passed.....

After that we are going to meet and spend time with Alluvja, another wonderful Gaian woman, who has been so generous with her spirit and suggestions.  We're visiting her town before heading down to Amsterdam, where she's promised to introduce us to fave places (like her favorite coffee shop!!  Hurray, we love coffee shops....)  I am so delighted about meeting her and exploring special Netherland places with the gracious assistance of a local guide.

As if this wouldn't be enough, the fourth wonderful woman we're meeting is Sandra.  Although Sandra lives in Ireland, by some strange synchronicity she's teaching a writing workshop in Amsterdam on the very same day we'll be there!  We've arranged a brunch (near the free Hilton) and I am delighted to meet this inspirational woman who writes so beautifully and shares of herself so much here on Gaia through the Diving Deeper pod (and in many other ways, as well.)

So that's the scoop.  I am feeling such amazing gratitude for this opportunity, for the chance to spend time meeting and talking with new friends, for the community of Gaia which has made this possible, for my daughter, for my husband and son who support this trip with such enthusiasm, for so much.

Will try to check in with Gaia during the trip, but am going to focus primarily on having fun and being present to all the exciting new sites and relationships in Belgium and the Netherlands.  So may not be here much after Thursday.  (by the way, my planes fly from Marquette, MI, to Detroit, to Boston, to Amsterdam, to Brussels and the entire traveling journey will take more than a day....but it's worth it!)

Hope you all have a delightful month here on Gaia, and hope we're all happy with the election results.    :)

Time to report on our European adventure!  Except it's feeling hard to write about it.....part of me wants to share all the scoop.....and the other part wants to just be silent and absorb it for weeks and months and maybe forever.  Another side wants to share all about the wonderful people we met during the ten-day trip and another part just want to hold them close, like a precious snapshot, remembering the multi-faceted jewels of our meetings. And another part (lol) is just saying "next moment, please...."  

But here goes.  During our last European trip a couple years ago my daughter and I wandered through the streets of ancient cities, visited museums, drank cappuccino in cafes and absorbed the landscape like thirsty travelers, trying to experience it all.  This time we did the same, with one addition.  This time we had local guides, people who shared their homes and lives with us, people who gave their time and energy and love to introduce us to the rhythms of life and culture in Belgium and the Netherlands.  And that addition....the meeting with people....many of them Gaians.....made all the difference in the world.  

How much detail would the reader like?  My flight to Boston was delayed; an airline agent arranged to get me on a direct flight from Detroit (probably the last seat on the plane) and off we flew over the Atlantic Ocean.  Because of the last-minute plane change, the luggage did not arrive, so that involved paperwork upon landing and a bit of nervousness knowing Victoria and my daughter were waiting on the other side of the gate.  But a kind stranger told them what was happening, and within a short while there we were:  hugging and laughing as if we'd known each other forever.  And because the luggage was "lost", a friend of the family arriving at the same time was able to fit into the car and return to Antwerp with us.  

The entire trip was an interplay of synchronicities, magic and love.  The luggage arrived safely the next morning without any difficulties.  If one had wanted to believe thoughts of lack, one could have fretted and become annoyed.  But instead, it was easier to believe that the luggage would arrive and, if it didn't, the airline would supply $50 euros every day for three days for a new wardrobe.  How cool would a new European wardrobe be?  :)  

Victoria exuded love and compassion, wrapping her guests in a cocoon of acceptance and graciousness.  We were swirled in her loving essence and felt immediately at home.  Like all the other folks we would eventually meet, she gave to us deeply and lovingly, making us feel so welcome.  

We explored Antwerp with Victoria and her visiting musician friend from Vancouver, Jen.  I could tell you lots of stories about our explorations, but this is where we need to summarize.  On Saturday night we ended up in a homey cafe/lounge called Cyres Cafe.  Jen ended up playing and singing her lovely music during the evening.  What a treat!  It was a spur-of-the-moment performance arranged the previous day, so not too many people showed up.  But did our group have fun!!  Victoria introduced us to Ralph, and within a few minutes we were planning to become Gaia friends.  We met several others during the long night (til 3 a.m. mind you!)   For more pictures of our night at the Cyres Cafe, please wander over to Ralph's photo album.  (Also:  Cyres Cafe has a profile on Gaia, as well, although they haven't been active here recently.)    

We moved on to Rotterdam, and then north to Den Helder in northern Holland.  When we arrived at the train station there, it was raining and no telephone appeared to inform our hosts of our arrival.  But once again it was easiest to turn to the Universe and request assistance, and a young woman with a cell phone appeared and loaned us her phone.  We called my friend who came and collected us almost immediately.   

And how enjoyable were the two days we shared in Den Helder!  My friend and I have known each other since age seventeen when I was an exchange student with her family in Switzerland.  We have witnessed each other growing up, getting married, having children.  The cycle of life has bloomed around us, and now we were together once again.  We shared with her about our night at Cyres Cafe and suddenly she paused and turned to her email.  And, another synchronicity!, she had been invited to the Cyres Cafe the previous Saturday night, the same night we visited there!  The European Union is apparently a very small place when the heart and mind is on the same wavelength.  (Note....and now my friend has joined Gaia, as well.  You can check out her profile Honara.)  So much else happened on a spiritual level in Den Helder, but that part is still being processed, so will allow that to silently absorb....  

On goes our Travelogue.  Honara drove us to meet another Gaian friend, Alluvja.  After checking into a magnificent little hotel and saying goodbye to Honara, my daughter took a nap and Alluvja and I began to connect on a deeper level.  But you know one of the most magnificent things we did?  We danced in her house.  After talking for a while, she put on some music and we just spontaneously began to dance.  It felt so magical.  What an awesome moment....  Later we dined with her beautiful daughter and got a bad (good?) case of the giggles (most probably from the wine) and grapevined one or two people on Gaia.   Alluvja is another beautiful and loving person.  It is amazing to get to know people in person after developing an internet, email or phone relationship.

Then on to Amsterdam!  What shall I summarize about our two days in this city?  Shall I share about the tears at the Anne Frank house, the museums, the shopping district (and my daughter's successful but endless quest for boots?), the Red Light District where we walked through and talked about the plight of some of the girls who are lured there against their will and desire, the coffee shops where the smell of weed wafted up into the streets, the beautiful old buildings, our tour guide Alluvja?  How about if I just tell about our meeting with Sandra on the last full day there?   

We had arranged to meet at a cafe at 11:45 and we umbrellad our way through the maze of streets to the shop in drizzling rain.  My daughter seems to have a great sense of direction, no matter what city we're navigating, and I recommend always traveling with someone who has such a strong sense of direction.  I used to have directional capabilities, but no longer.   (although that may be the Mind attempting to convince myself of that.....this is still open to interpretation.)  

And there was Sandra sitting in the corner of the cafe in a beautiful pink shirt sipping a coffee.  It is so amazing when you actually see the Gaian personality emerge into an actual three-dimensional person.  And you think, "Yes!  Yes!  Of course this would be Sandra" because she is so definitively the Sandra from the Gaian world now clothed in pink and sipping a coffee.   

There are always added dimensions that come forth in the physical meetings, and in the case of Sandra I was delighted by an impish or mischievous quality which flashed up from amidst the earnestness and filled my heart with joy.  My mischievous side wanted to link arms and scurry through Amsterdam with her....but we only had an hour or two.  She inspired me to want to write on the Diving Deeper pod, but I'm still wondering if it's possible to carve additional time and space to do that.    ** Note:  just went looking for pics of us in the cafe with Sandra.  No pics. Either we didn't take them, or they're on another camera.  Sandra?  Alluvja?  Did we take any pictures?  

The next day we trained back to Brussels (I like these new verbs:  trained, umbrellad....) but arrived too late in the afternoon, and too exhausted to explore any further.  So we settled in a very cheap hotel near the airport and slept fitfully listening to loud possibly drunk men shouting in a foreign language before getting up at 5:30 a.m. and bussing to the airport.  I kept saying to my daughter, "but we have to go to the centre of Brussels because I promised Liza we'd see the famous pissing statue."  (Ask Liza for details, please.)   By the way, the loud shouting men may have been karmic retribution to balance the three luxurious nights in Hilton Hotels.  As previously mentioned in the past blog, I won these free nights in a sweepstake driving virtual baggage carts around in an internet game.  

Anyway, that's the scoop.  We're home now.  It's snowing outside and damn cold.  Inside it's warm and woodstove is burning.  Despite assurance to the contrary, jet lag has lasted longer than on the trip over to Europe, but this morning I slept in until 6 a.m. and feel a burst of peace and energy returning.  I am so grateful for our trip and the opportunity to enjoy time with friends....and grateful to be back home again.   PS  there are a handful of pictures in my photo gallery of these lovely souls, so feel free to check them out!

I never play tag games.  So whenever you catch yourself saying anything like "I never play tag games" or "I never do this" or "I never do that".....what is there to do but turn it around and do it?   :)

So Liza tags me this morning with the Gratitude Five (or whatever it's called) last night.  I think you're suppose to play this on Friday.  It's Saturday morning now.  That should be enough reason to say, "no thanks, won't play."  But when the Mind starts thinking things like that, it's enough reason to play.  So here goes!

1) What are you thankful for today?
I am thankful for sensations today.  Human existence.  The way the fingers feel on the keyboard.  The hum of the wood-stove in the basement.  The warmth in our small cabin in the woods.  Pajamas.  Flannel sheets (even though they're not on the bed yet, I'm just happy they exist when we need 'em.)  My daughter being home for awhile.  Drinking two cups of coffee with my husband and re-connecting with him.  Words.  When there's no need for words.  What exists beneath and around words.  Being able to remember that, sometimes.

2) What do you appreciate about the Earth? 
Rocks.  Beauty.  Sunsets.  Sunrises.  (or is that being appreciative of the sun?)  Trees.  Especially the stark beauty of winter trees, when the leaves have fallen, and the branches etch against the horizon.  Snow.  No snow.  The way the seasons change and help us realize the shifting nature of Life.  The way the Earth can mirror something essential back to us.  The way the Earth doesn't need us.  Except maybe it does....hmmmm.....I appreciate that the Earth doesn't seem to get confused.  It just IS.

3) Who is the last person you said "thank you" to? 
Oh no!  What if I haven't said thank you to anyone lately?  Buzzer rings!  You flunked this quiz.  You flunked life.  You haven't said thank you recently.  At least your memory can't pull it up in the last 24 hours.  I mean I remember saying Thank You lots & lots in Europe.  I have been in a huge gratitude place lately.  But have I said thank you since returning home?  Was that even a conscious thought?  Ohmygod.....well, let's start anew.  Thank you for whoever created this game.  Thank you to Liza for sending it.  Thank you for the reminder to thank. 

4) When was the last time someone thanked you?
I think Peace Seeker thanked me last night after our phone conversation.  Michael thanked me in a grapevine because I liked his icon. 

5) What is your favorite way to say thank you?
My favorite way to say thank you is to live in gratitude.  To appreciate the juicy, painful, beautiful, awful, lovely, ecstatic, incredible ways life moves in its birth canal.  To remember to be grateful for even things that hurt, or things that challenge.  To be aware of the gifts that may arise from the challenges as well as the joys.  And, then of course, to put words to that gratitude.  Here's what the gratitude is saying right now:  Thank you all for everything you do to make Gaia and the world a shining star.  Thank you!

P.S.  Anybody who reads this is tagged....not necessarily to write a blog.....but to pause in that gratitude place for a few moments and open your heart even wider.  :)

Where on the spiritual path you ask?  Perhaps at the fork where words lead us in polar opposite directions.  Pondering the way words can corrupt the very path they're attempting to illuminate.

Let's face it.  Every bit of spiritual advice we've received has been wrong.  Inaccurate.  Maybe even a bald faced lie.   

All the masters say the same thing, if they're being truthful.  They say "Don't listen to my words.  These words are only the finger pointing towards the moon."  And sometimes they say "Don't believe anything I say.  Words are empty shells.  Look at what is beyond the words."  

Yet what are we humans to do if we want to live deeply beyond our conditioning?  Many of us look for answers from books, masters, and the ever-fickle words.  We're asking to understand from a very instrument that can only gesture towards Truth.  So, being the humans we are, we take the words which seem to resonate with an inner truth, and we begin to reconstruct a new paradigm, a new set of beliefs.  But this time they're spiritual beliefs.  And sometimes we cling to those spiritual beliefs like a puppy with a bone.  We won't let go.  And these spiritual beliefs, while possibly useful and guiding, can sometimes be as misguided as the material beliefs we formerly espoused.  

So here we are with our new spiritual beliefs.  Now, please, don't think I'm stepping on anyone's toes in a personal manner.  I'm stepping on my own toes as well.  Here are a few of the spiritual words and phrases which can cause problems.  (I'm not saying they've caused problems for the reader.  They've just caused problems for some people who cling to the new verbiage without noticing the direction towards which the words are pointing.)  

The moment is all there is.  Now, this one, on the surface, seems to wrap it up nicely.  Anyone who's read the latest spiritual teachers will throw this one around.  Heck, I love to throw this one around.  The Now.  This Moment.  Right Now.  Here.  This is where it's at, baby.    

But let's go a bit deeper and consider the ways in which this spiritual belief can actually limit that which is beyond the Moment.  Let's say a desire arises in the moment to shoot heroin. An advocate of the preceding belief might think, "hey, this is the moment, it's all there is, pass the heroin!"  We can mention three dozen activities including rape, murder, addiction, petty actions which could utilize the spiritual phrase as justification.    

And truly, is the Moment all we have?  Yes, yes!  you're insisting.  But what about the moment which preceded this moment, in which you learned something valuable to the soul?  What about the moment which is close approaching, in which you have plans?  In reality, it's more like a multi-dimensional Now, a hologrammed Now.  It does include a past and present.  But we could still argue this one on technicalities, so let's instead just agree that there are many ways that believing the phrase The moment is all there is could be used to circumvent and short-circuit the Spirit which is flowing in, around, above and between this sacred moment.  We can use this as an excuse to act on every random emotion, desire, thought and dream.   

I am enough. Oh, I do like this one!  I am enough, and you are enough, and this Moment is enough.  But are there ways in which attaching to this belief actually limits us?  Let's say we're human beings with human conditioning.  And that conditioning rules the roost in our bodies.  If the desire flashes go, we go.  If the thought flashes "you are worthless" then it's so often believed.  Conditioning runs us like a well-oiled motor.  Not freedom.  Conditioning is a God we've worshiped since our mama first taught us.   Is that really enough, following the conditioning?  Am I enough, conditioning and all?  Maybe we are.  But this affirmation can lead to freedom, or it can lead to quicksand.  Or at least being stuck in mud for a long time.  There are ways we can use this belief to keep us roped and tied, yet thinking we're flying free.   

I am already enlightened or I am God.  Now, I'm not saying you're not.  You may well be.  But this little phrase can either send you soaring into that quintessential moment.....or keep you harnessed.  You can hide behind those words forever without the freedom that exists beyond it.  Or maybe it's better to say you can believe the words without knowing them.  Without experiencing them.  See, we're stuck in a quandary.  If we do nothing, we stay ensconced in our conditioning.  If we do something, we're often escaping the integral truth of Who We Are.  In the real moment before words, there's a time to seek enlightenment and a time to cease seeking enlightenment.  Only you can know when that moment is.  But our conditioning will sometimes try to co-opt this spiritual truth before its time.   

Silence is golden.  God exists in Silence.  Ahhh....yes....when we begin to realize the fickle nature of words, some of us grasp onto the opposite.  If words are useless, then Silence reigns!  We begin to create a duality between silence/words and worship at the altar of Silence.  But Silence is not God.  Silence is no nobler than yakking.  Silence may lead us towards something beyond Thought, but it is not a golden God worthy of blind worship.   

Our beliefs keep us from enlightenment.   Oh how I personally like to toss this one around!  Yet, is it true?  How ridiculous to believe even this....although it is one of those nuggets that shine brightly in the spiritual world.  A thought can not keep us from enlightenment.  Never.   Enlightenment contains a thousand billion thoughts, and yet is also contains None.   

So what are we to do?  We search for these scriptures, these spiritual beliefs, these bits of manna to guide us.  Yet not a single one, by itself, means anything. Worse, the belief can be used to keep us stuck, corrupted and lost.  Here's my suggestion from half-way between living the beliefs and getting stuck in them:

Take the belief and live it fully, always aware of how conditioning may attempt to steal the purity of the gesture.  Live it to the best of your ability, up, down and sideways.  Then, when it's integrated, open your palm and let the bird fly free.  Then you can say anything, be totally silent, spout beliefs, eschew them, turn somersaults in the Moment or sit in the Himalayas.  Or just keep pointing at the moon and laughing.   At least that's what "they" say.....the Ones who are not separate from the spiritual path....

Put on big heavy winter boots.  It's not cold outside; the thermometer hovers around 37 degrees.  A heat wave!  Put on heavy winter coat anyway.  Hand-knit hat, pulled tight over the ears.  No mittens.  The pockets work well for warming freezing fingers.

Open the door.  Stop, pivot, open the closet door instead, scoop out a half-bucket of black sunflower seeds for the birds.  Wild havoc near the bird feeder!  Chickadees and nuthatches everywhere, chirping, squawking, diving between the spruce trees and the bird feeder.  There's a few seeds left in the feeder; it's time to re-fill.

Stop.  Fill the hand with birdseed and wait.  Breathe.  Feel the energy of the feet in the boots, in the snow.  Hear the symphony of the bird song.  Flutters everywhere.  Birds dive-bombing, scurrying, flying here and there.  How many?  A couple dozen?  And suddenly, before the wish even consolidates, a chickadee lands on the feeder, six inches away.  It peers, cocks its head and decides.  Flutters over towards the hand.  Pecks at a seed and flies away.

Another?  Will there be another?  Waiting, waiting, and now the wish forms fully.  More chickadees on the hand, please.  Hand turning cold.  Watching the sensation of cold.  Is it really cold, or is cold something the mind creates?  How long can one wait?  Can one turn into, say, a fence post?  Can one feel the fence-post of oneself growing into wood, into stillness, into solidity?

But no.  Can't wait.  The mailbox summons.  So pour the seed into the feeder and walk on towards the mailbox.  Watch the feet.  Traipse through two inches of snow.  Look at the footprints forming.  Ice puddles in the prints.  Look at those other prints!  Must be squirrel.  And chipmunks.  And....look....an unknown print near the garage.  Cat?  Raccoon?  Skunk?  Who knows? 

One step, two steps.  Present in the body, few thoughts.  Look at the snow melting from the branches.  Leaning dried plants in a pattern so beautiful one quits breathing for a second.  Ahhh, the mailbox now. 

Open the mailbox, two letters.  Nothing special.  Walking back towards the house, slower, slower.  The frozen cattails, patterns of snow and ice on the driveway, melting dirty-snow cars.  Closer now, back to the sound of chickadees and nuthatches.  Picking up the discarded bucket.

Opening the door.  Closing the door. 

Journey completed.

I suppose we can always say that.  It's been the best of weeks; it's been the worst of weeks.  If we're aware we can see the peak moments of joy (if we're allowing them) and the dismal moments of suffering (if we're allowing them).  So this quote is probably true for many of us.

Please do not read on if you have a queasy stomach.  Stop now.  Proceed to another blog immediately.  I'm warning you; this may get graphic.

As some of you know, I have a gall bladder which doesn't work very well.  Two and a half years ago a smiling surgeon insisted upon taking it out.  Smiling back, I insisted upon trying a new diet to "fix" it.  He blithely agreed, then warned:  "You'll be back.  You'll get tired of eating wheat germ."  Or was it granola?  Whatever.  I gave him the evil eye and departed.

So two years pass on a Macrobiotic Diet.  The symptoms disappear; Kathy is happy.  Kathy and husband have lost weight, feel good, the world looks grand.  We love our diet.  So Kathy goes on one of her family vacations last June and decides to honor her brother and family by partaking in bratwurst and ice cream sundae (after a week of pretty casual eating including poppyseed bagels with strawberry cream cheese, yum, yum!)

One day later - acute gall bladder attack.  Thinking-you're-gonna-die-attack.  Lying on the couch and wondering if perhaps an ambulance should be summonsed.  Cursing the smiling surgeon's prediction.  Listening to the relatives (who have opposed the Macrobiotic Diet since Day 1 preferring I eat "normal") insisting "Just get the gall bladder out, Kathy!!"  Everybody tells how easy the operation is; everybody urges surgery.  "Just do it!" 

But I quickly and stubbornly return to low-fat mostly-vegan eating and the gall bladder pain disappears.  A happy summer and fall pass.  Until.  Until I go to Europe earlier this month.

There is something wrong with me and it's worst than gall bladders.  I forget.  I forget that the gall bladder is not completely healed.  But, before leaving, the gall bladder and I had a talk.  "Listen, sweetheart, lovey, please, please, please be good and I'll try to eat well and when we get back from Europe everything will go back to normal, promise you, love, hugs, kisses."   The gall bladder promised to be good, and off we went.

Now somehow that part "I'll try to eat well" seemed to disappear from my memory.  So, happily, I ate delicious cheeses and breads and croissants and pastries and coffees and creams and oily smoked eel and meat and....yes....a half a box of Belgium chocolates.

Now's the part queasy readers should depart.  The first week after returning from Europe I started eating fairly well again.  But, sadly, last Saturday night found me shaking in hot cold sweats, gripped with incredible pain for over five hours from both the stomach and gall bladder areas, barely cognizant and suffering terribly.  Until vomiting forcefully into the toilet.  At which point the pain thankfully ceased.

You're safe for a few sentences.  I started eating really really really healthy after that point, but mindlessly stuffed some of my daughter's chips in mouth on Tuesday and....you got it....repeat performance. Except this time it was worse.  I kept throwing up over and over, but apparently it wasn't deep enough to appease the gall bladder. Until finally, at somewhere near 2 a.m., a final vomit quickly and efficiently stopped the terrible pain.

OK, so the gall bladder may have to go.  I'm OK with that.  Well, I'm not OK with that, but realize it might be an eventual happening.  But, please, would like a little assistance from the Universe just to allow everything to get back to Center again.  Balanced.  I will eat well.  I will not splurge next vacation.  Promise.  Double promise. 

It's funny how pain and suffering act as an impetus to allow one to re-think one's priorities.  I am remembering things that have been pushed away a bit, like being present in the body.  Like re-prioritizing.  Remembering what's important.  Oh, and has anyone tried to maintain Presence while throwing up?  Or being really sick?  Anyone who can do so gets the Award of the Week.  Because it's really really hard to be Present at moments like those.

Anyway, that's the wrap up.  Barry keeps asking how I'm feeling.  I said, "It feels like sitting really close to a cliff.  One wrong move and down you go."  He wants to know more, but that's the only words that describe it.  Of course there's benefits to sitting up here on the cliff not moving much.  You're moving so slowly and carefully that the world begins to look incredibly beautiful and full of depth.  That's why it's been the best of weeks.  It's good to slow down and see all the little things you miss when you're rushing.